107: The Unequal Equilibrium of Giving & Taking in Our Relationships

Apotomos is a Greek word that describes a person who always appears calm, keeps everything bottled up inside, and then at some point, when they can’t take it anymore, they suddenly erupt like a vulcano in anger.

One of my brothers is that kind of person. Very giving, very generous, gladly sacrificing his time or energy. Until eventually he realizes that the other person is not so much appreciating all these sacrifices, but rather expects them, and typically is unwilling to do the same for him.

In this episode, I talk about this dynamic, unspoken expectations, what to do when we realize we’re living out the same pattern in our relationships again and again.

TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] My brother broke up with this girl and he told me what had happened. And basically there were like two parts to what my brother was telling me. One was I realized I was doing again, a number of things for this girl that I didn’t really want to do, but I was kind of sacrificing. And then I started noticing that she’s not sacrificing back the way I expected.
[00:00:24] And I got really. And that’s a pattern that, you know, he’s had his whole life with friends this whole, like I’m disappointed in people. He had his whole life with friends, with other people at first, oh my God, this person is so amazing. And then a year later, or two years later, all the things I’ve done. And then they really disappointed me because in this moment where I expected them to behave in this particular way, they didn’t the second part to the conversation that we had was about his regrets for how he had.
[00:00:52] Conflict conversation because you know, it build up, build up, build up, build up. And then he went there and he probably [00:01:00] spoke way too aggressive way too hurtful where to terms. Then he leaves. And now he’s all full of guilt. Like, ah, the way that I handled this was too harsh and it was very hurtful and too aggressive into this, but now it becomes this whole fucking.
[00:01:15] Where it’s like, well, should I go back and apologize? Should I make up and get together? Was I in the wrong? Am I in the right? But some of the things that I said are really mean, and it becomes this soup, it’s very hard to distinguish, like, what is really going on? Do I feel so bad because I made the it’s like, Hey, I’m sorry, but also you are wrong.
[00:01:32] You fucked this up. But I don’t know if I feel so bad because. The way I did it was wrong or because what I did was wrong, is it the right decision, wrongly execute? Or is it the wrong decision? Like why do I feel this horrible is kind of tough to say that in those moments, maybe we can put aside the question of, is she the right one or not?
[00:01:56] I think it’s clear that the way you handled that conversation was wrong. Like, [00:02:00] you know, this, I can tell he barely said anything to me about it, but it was so. I’m like, that’s fine. Right. But instead of thinking, you know, why isn’t she doing more for you or why isn’t she sacrificing well enough for you?
[00:02:15] The question I think it’s also important to ask is why are you taking better care of yourself? Why are you not more honest with yourself here? Are you doing these small things for. That I’m sure as you were doing them, you didn’t make a big deal off. Maybe even yourself, you thought in the moment, that’s not a big deal.
[00:02:34] I can do this little thing. I can do that little thing. Gotta be like it to do this, you know? And then when you wanted something from her, that was also a little thing. And she said, no, You exploded, you exploded with a righteousness. Look at this list. I’ve kept of all the things I’ve done for you. Well, motherfucker, why did you do all that stuff?
[00:02:56] If you didn’t want to, nobody forced you, she didn’t force you. And why [00:03:00] didn’t you do it playing this. To her and to yourself that it’s nothing. And you like doing it, you liked fucking doing it. Why is it on the list of sacrifices? Right. She didn’t know because you didn’t show her. You didn’t know in the moment because you didn’t allow yourself to see it.
[00:03:17] And then you explain. And you punch her in the face with words like your like aggressive towards her and giving her all the blame. How dare she not do this thing was a little thing for you when you’ve done all these little things for her, how dare you not taking better care of yourself and sacrificing things.
[00:03:34] You’re actually not really ready and willing to sacrifice you did all these things and you didn’t want to do any of them. And you were not honest with yourself or with her. And then you’re mad at. And you’ve kind of trained her to come to expect them. Right. Because it’s always like, it’s no big deal, right?
[00:03:51] It’s nothing. Yeah. I mean, this is the thing she experienced you as somebody that likes doing this shit. [00:04:00] Ever get the sense that, wow. He’s not like it, but he’s doing this one big exception for me. Okay. I need to like mark this event. No, you just acted like everyday is easy peasy. And then you explode about how hard your days have been.
[00:04:14] It’s not. You could have done this for another 40 years and at no point was she, oh my God, let me make this little sacrifice for him because of all the sacrifices made, she didn’t know. Right? One of the reasons why he separated with his wife, one of the many reasons that they were married for 18 years in those 18 years, my brother did a lot of things that.
[00:04:35] Seemed, I don’t know, like difficult and painful for a man to do with his wife. Right. And I was like, really you’re going handbag shopping for four hours on Sunday with your wife. And he was like, Hey, you know, I kinda like it as he was telling me. Uh, you know, we went shopping, kill it is happy wife, happy life.
[00:04:54] And it was kind of cool. I like it sitting at the Gucci store and they bring a little espresso and I’m on my phone. I’m doing my [00:05:00] own thing and she’s looking at bags and I’m like, I kind of like selecting them and telling her I don’t like this. I like that. I’m kind of the final judge. That’s cool. It’s interesting.
[00:05:08] You me. And the entire time to me, it felt all false. I’m like, all this is bullshit. This is your sense of having an amazing Sunday, really handbag shopping. That was it. And that’s so much. We have a bad on this planet just don’t get it. This is fun, but, you know, I never really challenged them too much on it.
[00:05:25] And I was like, okay, sure. And there’s a huge list of things where my brother was like, ah, you know, we did this because the children wanted it. And I’m like, did you run it? I didn’t mind. It’s kind of fun. Actually. It’s kind of fun. I also kind of like it 99% of the time that we’re doing. His wife or the children wanted.
[00:05:41] And he was always okay with it. It was never like, oh my God, I have to do this thing. It’s SOC, but you know, the kids loved it. That seems like a normal person. My brother always loved. It was always like happy with doing these things and walking though that he could not overcome was that for five years.
[00:05:58] He was really struggling [00:06:00] financially with his business. And he had to take like all kinds of side jobs and he was working his ass off. He had really like five years, always at the brink of bankruptcy, waking up at 3:00 AM to go and pack the ups trucks before going and opening a store like he did. Yeah, they did ups.
[00:06:18] Packing for three years, every day from 3:00 AM to like 8:00 AM. And then they would go and work all day, their own shops to make an extra 350 bucks, 400 bucks or whatever. Like my brother’s eating some shit during those years. And during that time, I mean, both my brothers had these difficulties because they were running small businesses together and they were all struggling together by my oldest brother’s wife.
[00:06:39] She was just quiet the entire time, you know? We’re struggling with struggling, you know, I’ll have to deal with it. And my oldest brother was a tyrant during that time. Like she brought a Nutella glass that was not in the budget because he would give her a very specific budget. She was like four years over budget and he almost killed her.
[00:06:58] She got like, she had to go to [00:07:00] the nurse, like fucking trials to, you know, pass that grave, grave, fucking crying. He was very hard to himself, but also to his wife and his wife, just like, you know, For my middle brother, his wife was giving him shit every day. On top of all this pain, she would be complaining and telling him that look, we can’t afford anything.
[00:07:22] Look, we can’t have this look because you’re not running your business well, because your business is not doing well. We are suffering the children suffering. Handing out the verbal beatings on top of his struggle. And he took it without a word because in his mind he was thinking, she’s right. What can I say?
[00:07:40] We are struggling because I suck. We all struggling because I’m not successful. We all struggled because I wanted to get into business for myself. So I have to become successful and right this wrong. And until. Any beating she’d hands out. I have to take that’s the way he thought about it. But in his mind, he was thinking, one day, when [00:08:00] I’m successful, then I’m going to get the benefit of that.
[00:08:03] As she spitting in my face, now she’s going to be kissing my feet once I’ve made it, then I’m going to get that ratio. Oh, my hero. You’ve made it, you’ll laugh. This revealing all of them, you know how let’s guide it, but we’re all doing this in one way or another. Yeah, human. That is acting it’s so difficult when we are inside to see one of these things, we are the one doing it.
[00:08:24] So it’s like, you know, this humor that acts this way today in the future, when the circumstances change. So eventually he became very successful and he started making a lot of money and things got much, much better. And nobody selling before to kiss his feet, surprise, surprise. She just stopped complaining about money.
[00:08:44] It was complaining about other things, but at no point was she like, oh my God, you made it. I’m so glad. And then they started having expensive vacations. She started being able to afford expensive stuff that you always wanted. They got a bigger house, they got this, they got that. And he was waiting for the, like the big [00:09:00] moment where this whole thing.
[00:09:01] And it didn’t and then he thought, well, fuck this then. And he got divorced, right? That was kind of a big heartbreak. He was really hurt by that because we D as in years and years was waiting for his Trump moment where his wife would acknowledge him and give him praise for turning things around and now giving her and the family is such a great life.
[00:09:19] And when he started giving them a great life, she started complaining about something else and he lost his shit. That is what always happens in those situations typically. Right? Like the person stays the same. It’s not the circumstances. She in this case started a new relationship starts again, making these tiny little sacrifice, but pretending to himself until the person probably it’s not a big deal.
[00:09:39] I can do this. Why it can be picking you up from work and driving you because you don’t have a car or I can be sleeping less to come in the morning and see you and do this and do that. Oh, I’m okay. You know, and she was living with her ex-boyfriend that she had broken up two years before they met. So they need this updating.
[00:09:57] And then she’s telling him, Hey, two years ago, I broke up with this [00:10:00] guy, but we still are roommates. I don’t have a lot of money. He doesn’t have a lot of money. There’s nothing going on between us. I don’t care. It’s like my little brother now, but you know, I want to move out, but I still have to save money for it.
[00:10:10] This, that, and the other, and my brother, again, he was like, probably in his mind, thinking this is not ideal. I just met this girl, like I’m not going to, I’ll make a big scene and kind of logical and all right. She came out right away and tells me about this. And if things become a bit more serious and then she moves up, that’s fine with me.
[00:10:29] You know, she seems trustworthy, you know, all these things that one could tell themselves in that. And then in his mind, you like the girl, you want it to be okay in your mind and you want it to be okay. Yes, yes, yes. And then he’s thinking for whatever reason, he’s getting the impression that after her big vacation in the summer, she comes back and then she’s gonna start looking for apartments and move out.
[00:10:50] Now she’s coming back from their summer vacation and they talk about this and she’s like, no, I spent all my money on this vacation. I’m totally broke right now. And yeah, I want to move up, but just financially, I don’t [00:11:00] know, maybe next year or something. And then this is another thing that. Turn from, okay.
[00:11:04] You know, now when I kill somebody, like I’m angry at Devcon level 10 and my brother for as long as I’ve known him, he’s been in Greek, we say, which is interesting that there’s even a word for this in Greece. Right? Because I don’t know of a word in English or in German is a personality. That is, you might call it explosive.
[00:11:25] This is the kind of person that is quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, and then explodes. Like everything is fine. And then they fucking lose their shit and scream out the other type of person. That’s always nice. Always smiling, always good. But when they get mad, they become a Hawk. They just fucking lose their shit.
[00:11:41] And it happens in one moment. And in an instant, it doesn’t build up. You have no warning signs, it just happens out of nowhere. It’s a great word.
[00:11:54] Yes. But it probably, this is a very Greek thing as well. I don’t know. Like some people are just very [00:12:00] explosive in Greece and my brother for as long as I’ve known him, he’s always been nice. Nice, nice as that. But when he gets angry, it always instantly goes to deaf content. Like just instantly, he will say things like I remember as kids, you would kick in the fucking door.
[00:12:17] Break things he would explode very rarely, mostly was like, nice and quiet, nice and quiet. But then when something, when he tipped over, that was a big explosion. And I always tried to tell him for a while, now this explosion happens because there’s a long buildup. It doesn’t fall from the sky. It’s not some sort of like natural phenomenon.
[00:12:38] Thunder, who knows where that is coming from.
[00:12:43] And it’s like collecting water overuse because in his mind he’s never asked himself, why is this happening? I wonder, I guess I’m holding on to. Oh, I guess I’m not in touch with my anger. Oh, I guess I’m not noticing early enough when something’s really upsetting me in [00:13:00] his mind. He’s like, I was not upset.
[00:13:01] Everything was perfectly fine. And then do you get this thing? And that was it. It was just too much. I’m not the kind of guy that takes shit. So when you give me too much expo and it’s like that, that little thing that somebody did is not that much. Yeah. But look at everything I’ve done for them inside.
[00:13:15] Well, then that is the problem. All the things you think you’ve done. That is the issue, right? And I mean, when you’ve trained your whole life to not notice yourself, to not notice your anger, to constantly press pass your boundaries and your limitations, you see limitations and your boundaries and borders in a completely distorted way.
[00:13:36] You think they are way out there when they’re very close to you. And so you constantly are disrespecting yourself and it’s hard for you to see. That’s why you don’t see it. And that’s why other people can’t see it. And you don’t want the doctors sleep in the bed with you, but every time when he does, you’re like, ah, just this one time, you know, it needs it now.
[00:13:57] And you do that for five years. You’re still telling [00:14:00] yourself every time he’s not sleeping in my bed, that’s just there, you know, fucking the dog. Yeah, just this one exception. The thing is like, in his mind, he would get angry because he was thinking, look at everything I’ve done for you. You are not respecting or recognizing these things.
[00:14:17] And it’s because look at yourself, you didn’t see. You didn’t recognize what all these things were to you. That is the problem you were doing them hating doing them. You were agreeing to them, cating, agreeing to them. And then when you asked for something, you expected that everybody will do everything they hate because you do it.
[00:14:40] And it will be a sign of their love and respect to you. And when they say no, I don’t like doing something, I hate you lose your fucking mind. You just explode because you’re like, how dare you? But they didn’t know. It seems like almost, this is like the perfect matching puzzle piece to your older brother in that regard.
[00:14:58] It’s exactly [00:15:00] the opposite. Then my oldest brother, cause my oldest brother, the thing that one can learn from him and that I now have come to admire in him is that see, my middle brother will say yes to things, although he doesn’t want to say yes to. Because he wants to be loved, right? Because he wants to do this thing for you because he loves you and then expect that you will do great sacrifice.
[00:15:22] He will be repaid. This constant thinking is like, I’m going to get repaid in life. At one point, I’m going to get repaid. That’s this model. I struggle with this sometimes as well. Not in all areas of life, but in some areas of life, but it’s not because I want to be repaid. I never care or think about that or because I want to love it’s because parts of me.
[00:15:40] When, what I want or what I don’t want is not logically reasonable and quote unquote good wise, smart or attractive. I have a hard time showing that because I want to be smart and wise. Cool and attractive. If I want you remain to [00:16:00] say, Steli your hair looks cool today. Right? You can tell right now. I mean, sure.
[00:16:05] You could tell me this and you make a joke. Oh, your hair looks a little funny. Like let’s say I went to the hairstylist, got a haircut, come back and I really need somebody to tell that my hair looks good, but you tell me, oh, I didn’t even notice you with a hairdresser. Oh, you got a haircut. Let’s say that’s what you say.
[00:16:19] If I feel a stink, if this hurts me in that moment, my issue is I can’t express it because it’s so laughable to me. Right. Because I’m like this way. Yeah, I want this thing, but I can’t live with the truth that I want it. So we’ll hide it from myself and from you. Right. I will suppress it. Why we’ll construct some fear that will justify my feelings and behaviors in a different light, because the real reason I’m not okay with, I don’t like that.
[00:16:48] This is what’s really going on inside of me. This is why I sometimes will do things I don’t want to do or will not live my full truth because my full truth is not something I kind of like, like, it’s not something I agree with. Logically, [00:17:00] my oldest brother does not give a fuck. Does not give a fuck both about being liked or respected by being good or logical or fair or wise, she will come to you and say, Rameen I want you.
[00:17:17] In this partnership to be paying me, to be investing a hundred bucks a month and I’m going to be investing 10 bucks a month and we’re going to be 50, 50 partners. And then when you go, well, that doesn’t seem fair. He goes, I don’t give a fuck. That’s what I want. That’s the deal. And then you go, well, but why should it be then 90 10 or this or that or the other?
[00:17:36] And he goes, I don’t give a fuck. That’s the deal? 50 50, you are a hundred me 10. You go discuss it with me. He goes, there’s nothing to discuss. This is the deal I want this. And this is what I want. Right. You’ll be in a relationship theoretically with somebody and go, I am going to have eight affairs with other people and everyday I’m going to come home.
[00:17:56] I want you to always be excited about having sex with me. You cannot even [00:18:00] leave the home. If you look at another person, you’re a piece of shit and I’m divorcing you or you’re the worst. And then the one goes, but this is not fair. And he goes, I don’t give a fuck because all my rules, this is what I like.
[00:18:12] This is what I want. Right. This is what I want. Take it or leave it now to also be fair. I’ve always judged my oldest brother harshly for that, because in many ways I would never want to be his partner, right. Either in business or his intimate partner. I wouldn’t want to do some things with him. Most likely he will never be able to get me involved in any.
[00:18:35] Because of this, right? Because I’m like, fuck you, this is too selfish for my taste. Like, I don’t like this and I’m never going to allow this. But what I admire is that he is not afraid to show his face to anyone where I would hide all of this from the world. Like if he has this conversation with you, He’s not just going to have it with you.
[00:18:56] And then when his friend talks to them, Hey, what about the Rameen in your [00:19:00] partnership? Are you guys getting into business? I don’t know. I told him I wanted him to pay a hundred and I’ll pay 10 and we need to be 50, 50. He seems a bit hesitant about it, but this is what I want. And then the friend will be like, well, dude, but that’s not a fair.
[00:19:10] And he’s like, And we buddy this, right. He’ll go on a podcast telling them about this. He does not care. He’ll be invited on TV show and tell them. Yeah, well with my wife, I think that she’s a horrible a wife because she looked at them on them and like, oh really? Yeah. I mean, I have a couple of affairs, but that’s different.
[00:19:28] She will not be like, well, actually, you know, let me tell it to myself a little bit, because I’m going to get judged here. He does not give a fuck. Now there’s something to be learned. Something I respect about, at least the courage to be like, this is what I am and I know, and he knows he’s not dumb. He’s like, I know this is not cool.
[00:19:46] I know this isn’t fair, but that’s how I feel. This is what I want. You don’t have to, you can leave, but this is what I want. And there’s no debating this. This is not discussing. There’s not negotiating. You. Don’t get a little bit, I get a little bit, I want this and I want all of it. But there’s [00:20:00] something to be respected there and to be learning in a way where like internet clean, very few people out that clean in that regard.
[00:20:08] Yes. Now again, do I admire his selfishness? No. Would I want to be his business partner or his intimate partner? No, fuck. No. Would I have, if anybody comes to me and go, should I go and partner in a business partnership with your brother? I would never tell anybody how much I love my brother. I’d be like, fuck.
[00:20:24] No, I can’t advise anybody to go to business. I don’t think the way he approaches things is cool. It’s too selfish, but where it used to be that I looked down on him just as this like selfish idiot. Like I was just like, you’re such a selfish idiot of a guy and I’m way above you. I looked down at him, very arrogant.
[00:20:43] And my middle brother was angry at my big brother. They were always fighting because they’re also always in business together. And yet another person in my oldest brother and my middle brother, his ex-wife very similar in personality in some ways, right? Not surprisingly [00:21:00] interesting that my brother would always look for people in his life that have that trait, that very clear what they want and very focused on.
[00:21:07] And not that interested in giving up things and sacrificing fathers. And he would find them and sacrifice for them, which they would enjoy because they need people that are willing to sacrifice themselves for them. Because all in the business of taking not so much giving and he would be giving with the expectation one day, I’m going to get repaid one day, I’m going to get repaid wrong because he’s not a total pushover.
[00:21:28] He is very strong person. Eventually he would just lose his mind and then break the relationship. But this pattern kept going. The funny thing is at some point in my conversation with my middle brother, I asked him, I said, independently from you handling this conversation poorly and being very approp, very, maybe hurtful in the way you told this woman, all of these things.
[00:21:48] And maybe also, she was not at fault here. She did not commit any mistake. She does not hurt you. She did not Rob you. The pain you feel from her. Self-inflicted she didn’t do [00:22:00] these things to you. You did this things to you, right? So it was unfair to go and punish her verbally when she didn’t ever share agreement.
[00:22:07] That was just like, yeah. The expectation that this is what you do, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand your brother because I’ve never been. Okay. Glad you’re not like this and never been like this, and I’ve never felt your rap or your resentment because you’re like the, so independently of all that my question to him was is the person you want to be with.
[00:22:31] Are you sure that that’s a person that will be very warm, very giving, very loving, very acknowledging somebody that will sacrifice for you, somebody that will like do favors for you. Do you want that kind of a person. Absolutely. That’s why I divorced my wife, because I want that in my life. And I’m like, do you think this girl that you were dating that she’s that type of person?
[00:22:53] And he’s like, no, she’s just like our oldest brother. I’m like, well, then that is one thing which is maybe you selecting a top of [00:23:00] person. There’s a pattern here that you might want to stop selecting. Now, a lot of the relationship and sex therapy and whatever books that I’ve read a ton of times, psychologists refer to this pattern that we often go seek a partner that.
[00:23:13] Give us the thing that we didn’t receive as children from our parents as well, we wanted, and not, we want game is to find someone where we can play, solve that dynamic, right? Yeah. Yes. Somebody that will convince to give us the thing that we were always denied. And my brother definitely as a child, always wants.
[00:23:34] A certain type of acknowledgement that he didn’t get. Right. My oldest brother was always very loud and strong. He was a very kind of dominant character and he was the oldest of the three. So it was very capable and I was getting responsibility and had a voice. I was the youngest and I was kind of the shiny new toy and the talented one and the cute one.
[00:23:55] And my middle brother fell into the typical pattern of like the forgotten middle. He was [00:24:00] also more shy, more quiet. So in the family, he would not get a lot of acknowledgement, not get a lot of attention. I think the immediate family, my mother loved all three of us by equally, but she was just paying more attention to the oldest.
[00:24:13] But I think in the more broader family, aunts, uncles, my grandfather, my grandfather was a very important man in our family tree. It was like the big boss in the family. The patriarch. He actually always kind of thought that my middle brother is an idiot. He never said anything, but because my grandfather was very kind of charismatic loud than a genetic strong man.
[00:24:35] And my middle brother was a more sensitive, quiet boy. And then his brothers were more like their grandfather. So my grandfather was taking a liking to us. I was his favorite. I will say his name. He was always admiring the oldest courage. And my middle brother, I don’t think my grandfather knew what to do with him.
[00:24:50] He was like, ah, this is what my brother always thought. And as I think about it, I can’t disagree with him. My brother has always thought that our grandfather thinks he’s a little Duncan. You know, it’s not that [00:25:00] sharp. So my brother lacked that record. Also my oldest brother actually took on. When my father died a father figure role in the family.
[00:25:09] Now I rejected that. I don’t know why and how, but from day one, when my oldest brother was like, all right, I’m the man on the family. And I’m the dad. And out here, I looked at him and I thought, no, no, I don’t know who is, but you’re not, it’s not you buddy. Like you can scream and do anything you want, but. I never looked up to my brother and I never looked at him as like a dominant figure that I was trying to please.
[00:25:38] I really very quickly early on in my life figured out you’re not, it, you’re not the meal to go. That I’m going to try to emulate in my life. My middle brother actually accepted them, has a father figure and was trying to please him. And my oldest brother was always a bit of a douche to my middle brother telling him he sucks at everything.
[00:25:54] We can’t do anything well, and he’s not good at anything. Right. And attraction that my brother found again and again and again, now that I [00:26:00] think about his. It’s like some of his best friends that Ben ended up not lasting. His friendships were very dominant, very good testicle, all good people with good hearts, but people that were more like in the camp of what do I want to do this weekend?
[00:26:12] I want to do this and this. All right, everybody let’s do this. And this, you know, my brother was just like, all right, let’s do what you want. But then when my brother needed them or wanted something and felt like he had earned. To get this from the other person. These people were saying, no, these to me were like, I don’t want to fucking do this.
[00:26:29] Sorry, but no. And then my brother was always heartbroken, always like, wow, I’m disappointed. Look at how disappointed that people have you ever asked yourself? What does it mean? You are disappointed in somebody. Oftentimes we would assume that this person did a crime. This person acted in a very unfair. An ethical way.
[00:26:46] And so they deceive me and now I’ve discovered this deception or this, but what is it really like whether deceiving your, where you deceiving yourself, where you not looking, not recognizing, not wanting to see if it’s [00:27:00] something, I mean, sometimes people disappoint you, right? That happens. But if it’s something that happens again and again and again, with most of the key people in.
[00:27:07] Maybe it’s not them,
[00:27:12] but sometimes as we grow older, we kind of get to the sense of like how people are just x-rayed. And then for some people it’s disappointing for some, you know, it’s all kinds of variants, but I feel like that’s a great lesson when you arrive at some conclusion, all people are like that. Yeah, that, that, that, that, that says a lot about you.
[00:27:31] And so, you know, there’s a lot to be learned about why are you picking the kind of person you are picking? It’s not their fault. That they’re the way they are. They actually totally fine being the way that they are, that they have to figure that out. What made you go and seek out the kind of person that will inflict a certain.
[00:27:47] Painting you that will then cause havoc in your life and trauma and anger and drama. Is it really as much them doing this or are you doing this to yourself? Right. And then why, and then when [00:28:00] you make sacrifices to make others happy, when you think of yourself as very giving is very loyal. I find that, you know, there’s certain things, people say that surprised me, like, oh, I’m a very honest.
[00:28:11] Or I’m a very loyal person or, you know, I’m a very giving person. These things to me are red flags because most people I know that I incredibly honest, incredibly loyal or very giving, never say of themselves that there are any of this. Right. I have never until this very moment thought to ask myself, Steli are you a loyal person?
[00:28:32] I’ve never even considered thinking this question, but I instantly can tell. You won’t find anybody that will tell you I’m not sticking to the people that were there on day one. I’m not taking care of people. I’m not having super long-term relationships with people and investing in people, but being loyal is not, uh, being I’m thinking about.
[00:28:50] Or I would attach as part of my personality, just like honest. I think I’m a pretty honest person, but I would never say those words out loud. Maybe I’m also too [00:29:00] aware of all the bullshit. I was like imagining some people saying. It’s typically not the people who are that say they are. I mean, it’s not even just that.
[00:29:10] So when somebody like, you know, I’m very honest, it’s typically a God, this person’s not honest at all. Right. Because they have to bring it up. They have to convince themselves and others. So there’s a great insecurity here. There’s something that you’re trying to distract from, but even with people where a lot of people say that about them, everybody’s like, oh my God.
[00:29:26] I mean, so given all, yeah, I mean, it’s. Oh, you Rameen is always happy. This is the happiest person ever. That is again, a red flag. Rameen is probably not really as giving cause when it’s natural and honest and authentic, it doesn’t come up on enough is like this big shining thing. Let’s just think about somebody that would always get.
[00:29:46] In certain circles as like the happiest person we know, oh my God, she’s always so happy that my God, he person so happy and then turns out the person is depressed, right. Things that people would say about me, like, think about the things that most people say about me that don’t [00:30:00] know me. And then you hearing those things, you know, in your opinion of them, You know, maybe he is, maybe he isn’t.
[00:30:06] I find that the things that we are most known for, and maybe also especially admired for is this one thing that everybody random strangers, people that knows a little bit and people that know us really well. They’re all just waved this one thing on Steli. So. Oh, helpful, helpful, helpful. Maybe this is the thing that I do so much.
[00:30:24] I so overdo this thing because it is not true because I’m trying to please everybody, because I’ve done it as a child and somebody tells me, oh my God, look, I’ll helping you all. This is such a good thing. And then I was like, okay, I have to do this as much as humanly possible because this is the way I’ll receive love.
[00:30:38] It’s my way of getting the thing. Yes, maybe this is the way I’ll get. What I want is by doing this thing. And then maybe if I help everybody on this planet, eventually I will feel okay inside. And it’s like, that’s a never ending chase. You will never fill up inside by giving to others because of this reason, because you’re trying to get back a certain feeling of [00:31:00] love and wholeness this way.
[00:31:01] You’ll only get that by giving to yourself, by loving yourself and helping others in the right moments for the right. But not habitually, always to everybody at any time at any place. And so when everybody’s like, oh my God, this person is so loyal. It’s like, something is wrong here. Or when somebody says, oh, I’m so loyal, loyal is very important to me.
[00:31:19] Like, okay, sure. It’s important to you. If maybe there’s still things to be learned and discovered on the journey and this topic and these things we do asking why do I do them? What is the point of doing. And what do I expect in return? What do I wish in return? What is that urge that I have? I can’t say no to people.
[00:31:39] Why can’t you say no to anybody? Like, right. What is good about this? Ah, I just don’t want bites. The story that you tell yourself as like, I’m such a good person. Like this is the underlying messages, like, oh, I’m too good of a person to say, no, I’m too good of a person to do this. I’m too good of a person to do that.
[00:31:53] And it’s like, no, you’re not. You’ll probably not in your suffering a way because you’re pretending. Because nobody [00:32:00] is. We’re all, not that good of a person in no way in that way. There’s a lot we can learn from my oldest brother because he knows he’s a piece of shit. He knows in many areas that he’s like a selfish prick, at least he’s like, okay with that right now.
[00:32:11] It’d be nice. If you try to work on getting better, being less selfish, being less over pig, maybe he will. Maybe he won’t, I’m shining a very dark light on him, but he’s a fairly good personality. He’s not robbing banks out there. He’s a great father. He sounded a lot of good as well. He’s like, I love him as a brother.
[00:32:26] He can be. At times it’d be nice if he knows how big of a piece of shit he is and constantly wants to get better. I think that’s the right approach overall, like knowing who we are, our insecurities, our weaknesses, our selfishness, our irrationality dumbness, like we’re all kind of pretty stupid. Like we’re little stupid, dumb dumps.
[00:32:44] Like in most cases we’re just fucking blow. The flesh meat, you know, little jelly pieces held together by skin, everything like this is so sophisticated. Like, ah, I need to be some Uber Schuman, godlike zen-like creature. Now. We’re not like, we’re not that [00:33:00] smart. We’re not that kind. We’re not that loving went up that helpful.
[00:33:02] And it’s fine. If we can figure out who we are, as good as we can. This moment. And then we can try to work on both allowing that to be true and to be shown and seen and working chipping away at improving it step by step in little moments, that’s a lot for one human and for one lifetime, the final thing that I told my brother on the phone call, because he started beating himself up at the end.
[00:33:24] He’s like, Again, the same mistakes again, I just came out of a divorce data in Jack. No, no, I got it. And then he went from beating himself up to now trying to convince himself now I learned it. I will never make this mistake again. I don’t need to be insecure. I don’t need to be afraid. We’ve learned this lesson.
[00:33:43] Everything is going to be good forever now. Right? Because of that, I instantly had to finish the conversation by encouraging him and telling him, listen, you have lived 33 years of your life. You know, doing this thing unconsciously developed in these habits, [00:34:00] many, many of your relationships were all built on these dynamics on this kind of a dance on this rhythm.
[00:34:04] Let’s say, now you want to change the rhythm. Now you want to change the dance you want to change you. It’s going to be awkward. And once in a while, Playing everyone else’s dancing too. And once in a while, you’ll get back to the old dance. It’s not the end of the world. Right? If you make this mistake again, a bunch of times, it’s not the end of the world.
[00:34:24] It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Doesn’t mean you’re dumb. It doesn’t mean you’re not changing. It just means your Schumann. Congratulations. Right? Like don’t beat yourself up about making the mistake. Now you’re aware of it, right? When you do it, like before you were doing it completely unaware, you didn’t even know you do it now, at least.
[00:34:40] You went from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence, but there’s still ways to go to go from conscious incompetence to conscious competence, to unconscious competence, right? From the, I didn’t know I was doing this mistake to now. I know I’m doing this and making this mistake to now when I pay attention, I don’t make this mistake too.
[00:34:58] Now I never make [00:35:00] this mistake. Right. There’s these steps that you have to take. Totally fine. It is a water that feels the coldest, right? When you’re conscious incompetence. But the mistake that we make, we either beat ourselves up. Like he started to be like, oh my God, I can’t believe I’m still doing this.
[00:35:17] This beating up is not making you more competent. And the flip side of it, of that same coin is also not fucking good, which is the convincing yourself that it’s over. Oh, I’ll never make this mistake. Now I know I’m a pro I can, I can do this perfectly. That’s not going to make you better at the Cedar.
[00:35:32] Both these approaches will only make the struggle bigger, right. Because you’re trying to look away from the struggle. The struggle of conscious competence, the struggle of, you know, when you’re learning to drive a car that you have to think, Siri, will you mirror change the fucking lane? Look here, look there, do this, do that.
[00:35:48] Everything is awkward. You’re always a step behind you’re making mistakes. You want to avoid that and pretend that everything is smooth. You’re going to have a car accident, right? Because you’re not. Oh, gosh, it’s competence yet where you can [00:36:00] just sit in a car and drive. So accepting that this is the phase you’re in and that it’s fine.
[00:36:05] You got to look at it and see like, all right, now I got my inner work cut out for me. I know what I’m working with him. And I was riding with a friend who just recently became mom for the first time. And we were writing back and forth. I was asking, Hey, how are things going? You know, it’s a fucking baby.
[00:36:20] Like you’re now a mother. Like this is kind of a big deal. And as far as I can tell, oftentimes it comes with lots of struggles. It’s not a carefree package. So I’m like, Hey, how is the thing, you know, how are you doing? And she was telling me, you know, I mean, I know everybody’s saying how big of a struggle it is, but it has not.
[00:36:34] I am sorry. Like it’s been so wonderful and things have been really amazing and things have been really nice and everything is. And I said, well, that’s awesome to hear, but you know what, in case the struggle will start a little later for you. If at some point there is some struggle that won’t be the end of the world.
[00:36:51] You will just have discovered that you’re also a human being congratulations for most. I was terrified of the idea of acting or being like a [00:37:00] normal human being was terrified of it. But I’ve learned as recently to accept the fact that it’s okay if I act like a normal human, you know, because I am, I’m not above any is kind of how human health Scott, you know, you know, I will let my
[00:37:19] saying. But I cannot disagree with the truth in your words. But the reason I said this to her is because she’s also the kind of person that is always up to the op always helpful. Everything is always good. And I’m sure when she told me this, it was an honest moment. And maybe also she has a really magical first, early time with her child where everything’s just super smooth.
[00:37:39] That can happen. I could imagine that really being the case with somebody that’s totally awesome, but would also not be surprised if she’s the kind of person that the things that aren’t good are suppressed. So they aren’t. And all I wanted to tell her is if it’s going to happen in the future, it doesn’t mean anything.
[00:37:53] If you’re taking a great amount of pride for how effortless everything is, when efforts starts, you don’t have to be in panic [00:38:00] or the beautiful thing that you have is not threatened. You’re still an awesome mom. This is still an awesome baby. Life is still awesome. You’re just a human being. That is all you have discovered you have not discovered the grave fucking terrifying truth.
[00:38:12] Oh my God. It is not good. Oh my God. I’m not as awesome as a mum. No, you’ve just discovered that you’re fucking human. I’ve done this 10 times before, even if you did, every child is totally different, but this is the first time you will. Can’t be in the conscious competence category. And with parenthood that might not even exist as a category of you can grow into like, just effortless, always doing the right thing.
[00:38:34] Huh? Ah, I can’t believe that a human existence always perfectly competent as a parent are all the stages and all the craziness of life and what it means to be a human. So if you realize or recognize, this is a big part of, in a work that people trip over, this is a big tripping wire, a stone that’s in the way of lots of people when they do in a word.
[00:38:53] When you discover something about yourself that you weren’t aware of before, oh my God. I did not know. I’m always doing [00:39:00] this manipulative thing to myself. And then that causes this kind of didn’t know. And you discover that now you went from unconscious incompetence to conscious being competence. Now, you know this thing that you don’t do well, or you didn’t know you were doing wrongly, don’t fall into the trap of trying to either beat yourself up and make this a reason why you’re bad.
[00:39:20] The reason why you’re not lovable, the reason why you’re not in. The reason why you are not worthy. Don’t use this as an excuse to punish yourself and beat yourself up to a pulp, but that’s not going to make you better than anything. That’s not gonna help. That is also not the good Christian thing to do.
[00:39:34] You know, I’m very hard on myself. This is something I’ve said before, and I sort of took a mirror Biden that, oh, I’m very, self-critical, I’m my worst. Self-critic that’s dumb. I mean, there’s something good about that, but there’s also something really dumb about that,
[00:39:50] but you know what I mean? It’s like, you shouldn’t be. Critical with yourself, but only to the degree that you’re also very forgiving and encouraging, because if you’re just critical, [00:40:00] you’re not improving yourself. That is not going to be the road to improvement. So don’t just beat yourself up. And also don’t instantly try to jump to competence by convincing yourself now that I know I will never make this mistake again.
[00:40:11] You don’t, I mean, I’ve done this 10 years. No more now. I can’t believe I was this kind of person. I’m not this kind of person at all anymore. How could you be this way? I will never be this way. I never met. Don’t do that. Chill the fuck out. Take a breath and tell yourself now’s the time to suck at this for awhile.
[00:40:27] As I’m trying to learn how to do. Better at this or how to change this, but I will make this mistake again and it will not be the end of the world. And I’ll try to improve step by step in little chunks, and we’ll see how this will unfold. That is the only way of thinking about this. Hey, this sucks that I’ve been doing.
[00:40:45] It sucks that I’ve been at fault in these areas or the manipulated my life, or that have committed these mistakes. But now I’m willing to work on this and I’m willing to be a little shitty at it while I work at it because eventually I’ll get there. That is the right approach to doing the inner work.
[00:40:59] [00:41:00] After you had a big inner insight, a big discovery, like you uncovered a big incompetence, unconscious incompetence. Now permit yourself to be a human and to make small improvements and to. Time had the moments where you fall back to old habits and make recommit these mistakes. I’ll never make the same mistake twice.
[00:41:18] Yeah. Well, you know, maybe if you are a God, but if you’re a Schumann, you are guaranteed to make the same mistake twice. There’s probably another human being that has not made the same mistake twice, twice as even you at the top, if you make them. Five times. And then you stop. You are a superhuman level productivity and learning.
[00:41:37] Most humans make the same mistake, thousands and thousands and thousands of times in their life. If you make it hundreds of times, and then you stop, you’re pretty fucking dope. And if you make it tens of times, you’re a superhuman. Like this is bullshit. I’ll never make a mistake. I make mistakes, but never twice bullshit.
[00:41:52] It’s okay. It’s a little bit like self-helpy, but for me, Whenever I find one of these things that I really care about it. And I want to change that. I [00:42:00] kind of, in my mind, remember a couple of times when I was like in one of these moments, and then I imagined what would the new version, right? What would the better way be affecting and what would I say?
[00:42:12] And how would I say. First, it’s actually difficult for me to even imagine that. Right. But by kind of mentally going through a couple of scenarios, it just helps me to one, be more aware of it when I’m in one of these situations and then to actually lift them or. I think that’s a dope suggestion. I think that’s a good suggestion for the preempting before I get into a similar situation.
[00:42:33] Anytime I negotiate with a customer, I give in too easily can. Now that I know this, and I know the reasons why I’m about to go into a negotiation, how would this new version of me act? That’s like a preemptive that’s dope. I’m giving the post-mortem way of dealing with it. So you have not been as thoughtful, mindful, and present, and you just tell them to the same habit, the aftermath, when you realize that.
[00:42:54] See, I believe that if you don’t beat yourself up as much, if you just go, oh, okay. Make the same mistake. Let [00:43:00] me re practice, let me see. Maybe I’ll need to work more on it. Maybe I need some reminders. Maybe I need something else. If you expect to recommit the mistake, if you expect. It’s a suffer a little bit to stumble.
[00:43:12] Then when it’s happening, you’re less likely to avoid that truth. You’re less likely to look away and pretend it’s not happening. Right. You know, it’ll suck. It never tastes good to make the same mistake again, but it’s not going to be the kind of thing that you think if I swallow this I’ll die, it’s a knife.
[00:43:29] Right. You’ll be like, yeah, it’s a little bit of a shit sandwich, but I can eat it. Like with a little bit of catch-up. This will go down with this Coke and I’ll learn my lesson, that it becomes a much easier thing to digest. Through and recognized then when we pretend it’s this ax that’ll have to swallow an old kill me.
[00:43:44] And then either during the act, I punished myself too much or more likely I will pretend nothing happened. Like I’m like, oh my God, I can’t believe I’m this way. And then I never think about this again. I’m like, oh, I don’t think I act this way again. And everybody around you is like, oh my God. So the same person doing the [00:44:00] same thing all the time and the person doesn’t want to see it anymore.
[00:44:03] Right. Because they have too terrified. If I accept that I’ve made this mistake again, what does it say about me? Who am I, then, then I’m a total failure. I will never be able to be good. And I don’t want to accept that. I can’t have that. That’s overwhelming. So we’ll just pretend. No, no, no, no, no. This didn’t happen.
[00:44:16] One of the things I love about you sometimes, because when you catch yourself most of the time, what you do, you kind of make fun of yourself for doing that. And you take it very lighthearted, at least in a lot of conversations with. I’m sure business. She has lots of other things where I don’t do this. I also have gotten a lot better at this.
[00:44:34] I’m slowly improving in this regard. I think I’ve always been very harsh on myself when I would notice some of these behaviors, but also believing enough in myself that even as. Punishing myself at every hunch. I would think one day I’ll be over this. Like, I know it like it was kind of a punishing, but it doesn’t hurt as much when you don’t believe that this is your destiny forever.
[00:44:57] With none of my mistakes. I have a belief. It’s [00:45:00] my destiny. I always believe I will do better. One day I might fuck this up. A thousand times, but I will do better. One day. I will not allow not to do better. And I believe that I will do so. That helps tremendous amount. And so the things that I was ready to share with the world, you know, I definitely take a deprecating approach to it now more and more because I’ve started looking in all the areas that I’ve never looked at.
[00:45:24] And I started believing. Fully that there is no thing that exists in this world. That’s also not part of me. There’s no thing I despise or hate or dislike. That is also not part of me that I also have in me that I also do. Doesn’t matter how little and that that’s fine. That’s totally okay. As I started to live that the loss of the more, and then notice it more.
[00:45:47] I have started to laugh more about myself with myself and with friends. So I’ve definitely been having a better, better time stumbling. A good of a time stumbling as I have now. I don’t like it, but I am laughing a [00:46:00] lot more. I’m definitely laughing a lot more with all my stumbles these days that I use actually also ties back to what you said before, where, you know, you’re honest with yourself that you will make this mistake again, and then you have more awareness and you catch it.
[00:46:12] Earlier and at the smaller things, it’s easier to laugh about it rather than when you’re totally unaware you do it again and again, and again, again, to get a games. And then there’s like one big thing where you do it again. And because it’s so big, then you see it. It’s a lot harder to laugh about yourself when you’re really fucked, something big.
[00:46:28] Imagine my brother married the same woman, again, like a different woman, but the exact same character. 18 year marriage, where the NT realized for 18 years has been suffering and waiting for something. Wow. There’s not much room to laugh. I could imagine him laughing in his seventies about it, but it’s not funny.
[00:46:52] His life laughter this is the way a man laughs. Before he throws himself off the building [00:47:00] in front of the tray. You know what I mean? It’s not a funny laugh. When after 20 years of suffering, you get out to then just get in for another 20 years of suffering and realized that it was all self-inflicted.
[00:47:13] You just went to the prison. You just stayed in that prison cell, but the entire time the doors were open and you were hadn’t committed a crime. I mean, wow. Maybe three years then you absolutely knew already. Oh, I’m in a prison cell. You couldn’t admit it. I’m never going to make that mistake again. So you stay another 70.
[00:47:30] See, in that sense, many people it’s actually better. If they, at some point don’t admit it to them. It is the right strategy at a certain point. It’s the right strategy. Potentially. This is something that reminds me of Zorba the Greek, the book, right where he sent me this argument with his boss, the young.
[00:47:47] Idealist and his boss, like the young idealist is telling him how he wants to take all the mine workers that are working for them and enlighten all of them. And then maybe start a new kind of [00:48:00] community, a new kind of life and a new kind of spiritual awakening with them in Zorba is like looking at his boss, shaking his head and just going, what are you talking about?
[00:48:10] These people are sheep. These people are. Pickable these people have terrible things. All they want. They don’t want to know it. They just want to have a bit of bread, a bit of wine that want to laugh, and they want to look away at all these things who they really are and the meaning of life. They’re not ready to be awakened and enlightened.
[00:48:27] They want to be. Let them be asleep. Let them live their life in peace. They’re not ready for all this profound things. Do you want to impose and push into them? They’re not ready for this shit. They don’t want to know these people will be destroyed if you showed them the mirror of the truth and wisdom.
[00:48:45] And they looked at who they really were in their life. It would be destroyed. They just want to be left in peace. Just leave them alone. Now I know that there’s, you know, you could argue on. Spot on some level. Today was a day where it used to be a time where it was very [00:49:00] extreme with my belief that everybody needs to know it doesn’t fucking matter.
[00:49:03] You need to know the truth. Doesn’t matter if you were 80 and if this will destroy you, it doesn’t matter. You should know the truth today. I’m not saying the truth from people or not, or decide what people can handle or not handle. Not saying that. But what I’m saying is that let’s say my brother chooses another woman like this and starts in the same.
[00:49:21] And I tell him, Hey, don’t you think this is kind of similar? How do you really feel? Are you taking great care of yourself? How about this? How about that? And he let’s say fights me on all these things. So I bring it up again and he fights me and bring it up. At some point I leave it alone. Let’s say after 40 years he breaks up with her or divorce, a surrogate, right.
[00:49:39] Is in the seventies. And then he tells me this whole story of the real reason why it didn’t work. And it’s totally different than the last time. Tests you think there was anything that was similar? Like last time my test it, but if he fights me on it, I will leave it alone. Because in that moment, I’m thinking seeing all the shit he’s lived it.
[00:49:58] He knows. He’s just [00:50:00] saying, I don’t want to know. I cannot handle it right now. I could not handle it right now. Who am I to force it upon them? Like maybe he couldn’t handle it right now. He has to decide himself. Now I can be a loving mirror in showing it in a way that. And it’s okay if you look, I think you can handle it, but if he decides to turn around, then I’m also okay with that.
[00:50:18] Maybe he’s not ready to handle it. Maybe he’s not ready to see this. Maybe he couldn’t handle it, or he’s afraid what would happen and who am I to decide that he could, maybe he couldn’t, I don’t think that everybody can handle everything. I think everybody’s handling what they can at any given moment in time.
[00:50:32] We’re doing the best we can, as good as we can in this moment. I didn’t believe this. I always believed that everybody could always do a lot better. In some theoretical Prolo universe. Yes. There is the potential to do better. But the reality was that you couldn’t because you, if you could have, you would have done it now.
[00:50:50] It doesn’t mean that in the next moment you can’t do better, but in the past moment where you didn’t, you obviously couldn’t right. You couldn’t because you did not do it. Whatever was [00:51:00] stopping you was stopping you now in your mind. You’re like what? Stopping me was not a good one. It doesn’t have to be a good reason.
[00:51:06] It was just the reason, but it was stopping you who isn’t doing as good as they can. Nobody everybody’s doing the best. They can that moment. Now everybody could do better in the future. Try a little harder, push themselves more, surrender, more challenge themselves. More. Everybody can be better in the next moment, but in the past moment you were just the way you.
[00:51:27] Because otherwise you would done it differently. Right? And so if somebody, I love today, if I get the feeling that they’re not ready to see this, then maybe they’re not ready to see it. And that’s fine as maybe that’s okay. Who am I to impose that everybody has to see the truth the way I see it, or face the challenge, maybe, maybe not, but it’s their decision at the end of it, the hardest kind of litmus test in that regard will be our kids.
[00:51:49] Our children is this easy to say very hard. But, you know, I don’t know of any examples of somebody in forcing a truth that the other person really doesn’t want to see [00:52:00] and then succeeding in some really positive way in that don’t know of any of these examples. Right. But let’s tell them this to another friend who was trying to help a friend with a drinking problem.
[00:52:07] And I was saying, listen, it sounds to me like, let me ask you did this friend with a drinking problem. Say I’m having a drink. And they were like, no, like, okay, did this problem with a drinking problem, come to you and say, I need your help with my drinking problem. Like, no, what are you doing? Dragging this person from the streets into your home and now making them your project to help them get over the drinking.
[00:52:28] What made you take on that job? Nobody asks you to help. Well, but no other friend is helping. And I know that I’m the kind of person that can help and I’m like, you can’t do shit. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we can. Anyone. I don’t only believe that people can help themselves. Now. We all need help sometimes some others.
[00:52:45] So we need to be ready for that. Help open to it. This friend doesn’t seem open yet. Doesn’t mean that they’re never going to be open, but right now they are still drinking. When you leave, they’re breaking your rules. They’re not listening when you’re talking to what are you creating? You’re creating more stress.
[00:52:58] Maybe you’re in the way of this [00:53:00] person, healing. Maybe this person has to hit rock bottom before they can change. And you’re preventing that from happening by taking them into. That person on your couch, feeding that person. Maybe you’re making it worse. Who knows what that person needs. You don’t know? I don’t know that person might not even know.
[00:53:14] You thinking you can import impose the truth on somebody’s penny case that I’ve ever heard or seen of somebody being in real trouble and then getting out of trouble through the help of others was a case where that person said, I am ready to see the truth. Now I need. I need to change. I’ve never heard of a case of somebody going, I don’t have a problem.
[00:53:34] I don’t need to change. And then somebody come and go, no, you change. You don’t change. You’re going to change. And then they’re like, they changed forever. And it was a good story when they take the drug addicts and they forced them to an intervention and then they forced them into like a clinic and then they are sober for like two, three months or something to come out of the CUNY.
[00:53:48] And they’re like, oh yeah, I’m really glad I did this. And then they go back to. Give them the scripts, right? They’re like, oh, this is kind of what, what people say in this situation it’s oh yeah. So many things wrong and it fucked up. But now I see, you know, I know what it is. [00:54:00] They say all the right things.
[00:54:01] And I’m really glad that you intervene. I was not seeing that I had a problem, but you came and you saw for me, and that helped me and it saved me. And thank you. I’m back on the streets on drugs. It’s always, when the person’s like I fucked up a million times, a million people try to help me. I never took any of that help.
[00:54:17] And then there was this one moment. I decided to open my eyes and go fuck this. I need to change right now. Those are the cases where people really then five years later, 10 years later, they still lifted. And maybe that moment, that person that needed help from people, right. That oftentimes is the case.
[00:54:32] But if you’re not ready for the help, all that, those people that are helpful are doing as creating more problems for you. And then the question is why the. And the question is I asked this person, I was like, what are you running away from in your life by dragging somebody from the street into your home and making them the core focus of your life.
[00:54:51] Now, is there something you don’t want to look at yourself? This must be giving you something. What is this giving you that you can’t get somewhere else? Like, I totally understand. Trying to help somebody you [00:55:00] love or somebody that’s your friend. I totally understand that. But when. I don’t have a problem.
[00:55:05] Fuck you. And you say you have a problem and they don’t agree. And then you bring them into your home and you say you live here, but I know one rule don’t drink. And then every time you leave the home they drink, did you come back? And you’re like, oh my God, I saw you drank again. What do I have to do? Here are some books I bought you of not drinking.
[00:55:21] What are you doing? What is. This is so much drama and pain and think about all the things you’re not doing. You’re not going to the gym anymore. You’re not tackling your own projects. You might not be as good of a daughter or a friend to somebody else. You’re sacrificing all these things for nothing.
[00:55:36] This person says no to your health right now. Why are you forcing them? Why are you trying to impose your truth? And you’re helping yourself into their life or the nobody asks you for it that never works when people are ready for help. So same thing with like teaching people, things, I use the things, some people are like these amazing teachers, or even thought of myself as an amazing teacher that has helped these peoples tremendously.
[00:55:58] I am. And I’m not [00:56:00] everybody that has truly learned from me and transformed and gotten real value from it would have gotten it. So Wells BB as well, it was them changing. It was not me changing them. I was the right voice, the right words, the right person in the moment that they chose to be ready, you know, would have happened if I didn’t show up to.
[00:56:18] Beach, they would have picked up a book or listen to a podcast or watch the YouTube video of someone else because they were ready for the lesson. And they would’ve picked up on the lesson. They were ready to pick up on the fruit and they were walking in the field. I’m not some unique apple tree. I’m just one apple tree.
[00:56:35] Yeah. They picked, they picked my apple on the eight and they’re like, oh my God, this is so nourishing. There’s many, many, many apple trees. And it was the person picking the apple from the tree biting into it saying, I’m hungry. I need this. To be able to offer this to people that are hungry. But the idea that I made them, I changed them.
[00:56:55] I helped them. No. They helped themselves to change themselves. They learned, they [00:57:00] evolve only they can do it. And the replaceable component in the equation is the apple tree. Is you like you, it could have been many, many, many apple trees that would offer that. Now it’s important. You exist important that I have.
[00:57:12] As somebody that teaches to offer more versions of this, because there’s enough hunger in the world for these kinds of lessons. And some people that are ready will find their truth in that moment, for me, maybe quicker or in a better way, in a faster way, whatever it is. There’s not like that apple tree, just because it doesn’t have the golden apples that are the only ones that can nourish a human is worthless and not worth anything.
[00:57:32] But I think it’s when we confuse, who’s actually doing the work who actually matters here. It’s the student, it’s the patient. It’s the. The kit is the daughter. It’s the person that needs the change and then gets it through you. And it’s not you giving it to them. You’re not the person that walks around has figured out how to change people.
[00:57:51] Nobody can change other people. They change themselves, maybe through you, maybe with you, but not be.

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