I’ve been wondering how I managed to accept some of the people in my life fully—just the way they are. I’m blessed to have many friends in my life whom I love and care for, but there are very few people whom I fully accept, whose flaws and shortcomings I can have in my life without getting irritated about them.
TRANSCRIPT:
I’m still also like struggling and tackling the topic of how to fully accept somebody. I’m wondering
[00:00:07]what the circumstances or ingredients are for full acceptance of another human being. Like taking somebody exactly the way they are.
[00:00:17]I mean, for me to even start would probably have to change the question to how to be a little bit less judgmental and disapproving.
[00:00:29] Well, I mean, it all starts with ourselves with where it’s, you know, how can you, if you’re accepting of yourself, then it’s probably easier to be accepting of others, but I don’t think that this is an evenly distributed thing I can think of three people so far.
[00:00:46]Maybe that’s true. Maybe my mom is also part of it though. She annoys me as well, but Anthony also knows me. You also know me, but there’s very few people, not even a handful of people that I would think I fully accept. And then I go, how did I do it with those people? Because there’s so many people I love that I don’t fully accept.
[00:01:04]How did I do it? so again, maybe this is like Symantec has splitting, but with with a handful of people that you do fully accept, do you actually feel like you fully accept them or do you feel like you just give them a lot more latitude and you are a lot more accepting than with others?
[00:01:21]Yeah, I do think this is hairsplitting. I mean, nothing works at some level of abstraction. Right. Even if I say I unconditionally love my children where you could challenge me on this and we would find a condition where that love would stop. at least for me, if they start molesting as adults molesting children, my love will stop.
[00:01:41]Now. There’s going to be something that goes on to do. That’s going to stop that, but okay. If I, then I can’t say anything anymore, right. I can’t even say it’s sunny because based on what, how do I define something that then becomes difficult to communicate? Every person I know has things I appreciate about them and things that I perceive as weaknesses or less favorable traits of their personality. And the difference I think, is the level of internal criticism that I’ll launch when they act out in ways that I dislike about them.
[00:02:15] Right. So if Let’s take there are many friends that I have that I fully love. And when I hang out with him, I really appreciate them. And I never think about them otherwise because, I have a life structure where we don’t interact every day, multiple times, but then when we hang out, if one of the negative traits pops up, I can easily handle it.
[00:02:34]Cause it’s very rare. It doesn’t affect me that much, but I will critique it in my mind. In that way. My internal energy will be one of judgment, but I’ll push the judgment away and then we’ll move on with the people that are, that I say I fully accept. I have oftentimes way more contact with them. So the negatives and their weaknesses affect me more frequent.
[00:02:55]But I am okay with that. There’s less of an internal criticism every time it happens.
[00:03:00]And I think it’s there’s almost like a
[00:03:03]shift happening where I say all the positives so much more powerful and valuable to me than the negatives of this person. And I want this person wholesome, like it I’ll take, I won’t just, I have many people that I accept the blessings to me, but I wouldn’t object. The negatives, the weaknesses, the downsides, what of them you have in your life, right?
[00:03:31] Yeah. And I chirping what I accept. I, like I say, I’m so good friends with Bob because Bob is so funny. I love laughing with Bob and I enjoy all his function Nanigans and every time we hang out, it’s adventures. And when I need laughter and lightheartedness, I go with Bob, but pop is also maybe always late, maybe a mess in life.
[00:03:50] Maybe he is not reliable. And I, I don’t work with him. I’m not his neighbor. I’m like, I have a life where I’m not affected by these things, but if we hang out and we have fun and then he disappears and I can’t find him, I’ll get irritated because I don’t really accept his weaknesses. I choose to have it in my life for him strengths or for the blessings that it brings to me.
[00:04:13] And. I’ve managed to build a relationship where the pluses are more than the downsides, but the downsides or the minuses are still annoying me or not. I’m not accepting of them versus the people that are fully accept of people that have blessings and burdens or pluses and minuses, but I’ve taken them all in like wholesome.
[00:04:33] I’m like, this is who this person is and I love and appreciate them. And so when that person does something negative, it’s not that I love it, but I’m not getting irritated or judgmental because I have accepted that. That’s just part of the package.
[00:04:45]I wonder, I know there must be a reason why I do this with some people why don’t do it with others. But I’m not at a level where I understand myself in that regard. I don’t know why. When I think about Anthony Thomas, I’ve told this story before in other places, When we started swipe good together, it was just after my colossal failure of super-cool school and all the mistakes I had made there.
[00:05:09]And it started off so nicely with such great success. Things were rocking and rolling. I felt so good. And then things started getting more difficult and the moment things started to get difficult. I went back into an old pattern, which was like just working harder and longer hours, just getting more and more determined, just being a bit more serious, a bit more aggressive.
[00:05:35] And they went into, well, this is too difficult socks. Let’s just, uh, let’s just do something else. We’ve lost motivation. And I got really pissed at them and. I almost started critiquing them and pushing them to become like me, which was like, when it’s difficult, when the going gets tough, just push through it.
[00:05:54]You can’t just give up, this is entrepreneurship. You can’t just because it’s difficult. You can’t just instantly lose your interest and be like, ah, let’s do something that’s more fun. But then I realized that, I’m not perfect either. And I have many flaws and I started nagging them and critiquing them all the time.
[00:06:13] And then we’re never nagging or critiquing me back. And then I was like, well, number one, it seems like they’ve accepted me with my strengths and weaknesses. It seems like I want them to change. Like I like their strengths, but I don’t like their weaknesses. And then it also seems to me that this is a shitty strategy.
[00:06:30]I’ve done this before with my prior venture, where it was critiquing everybody and needed everybody to be the way that I was, that didn’t work out neither to my wellbeing or theirs or success. So this time I need to do something different. I’m falling back into, to an old pattern. And then I thought if I don’t like the way they, I handle things to be Boucher part ways, I’ll do this myself.
[00:06:49] I was like, I don’t fucking want to do that at all. And then I thought, well, maybe I should just let them run the show. And I run and do something else. I was like, I don’t want to fucking do that either. It was like, all right, well, maybe this time, instead of if I want to keep working with them, instead of changing them, maybe I’ll just join them.
[00:07:05]Maybe I just have to change and adopt. Maybe we’ll find some middle ground. And it was that afternoon where I was thinking these options through then something inside of me clicked. And I don’t know how, but I fully accepted them as people with all their flaws and all their strengths. And since then, this is now, this was in 2010.
[00:07:27]11. So this is 10 years ago for 10 years. Have they annoyed me at times? Yes. You know, have we argued? Not really often. I contend years we’ve maybe I don’t even know. We never had a really huge argument. Like we maybe had disagreements, I dunno, three or four times that after a couple of days we figured out, but all those 10 years I’ve lived with their flaws and I have been blessed by all their strengths.
[00:07:53]And I’ve always, so when you consider okay, you never had a huge argument in these times, but you had a very real there’s like people with whom you can never have an argument, but it doesn’t mean anything, but this is like very intense, very real, very direct.
[00:08:09] Very close. Yeah. Yeah. W w we had many highs and lows of where our sheer number of. High stakes crisis. We’re very different life journeys. Like usually when your pass in life go very different directions, that’s when your interests and priorities change. And then conflict starts. Cause one person is a parent and one’s less risk and less work and more stability.
[00:08:36] And the other person wants to party and travel and, wants to go all in and do the craziest stuff because they don’t care. The other part, like they’re very diff all of a sudden we’re very different lifestyles and priorities. Yeah. It’s, it is kind of amazing that we hadn’t had any big argument in 10 years.
[00:08:54]I think a really central part to that was that. And this is not just a one way street. I mean, Thomas sort of accepts everybody at face value, right? Thomas is sort of the supercomputer of a human, you know, when he likes you likes, she’s not like the type of person that DRS around at your personality, but Anthony and I are hypercritical human beings and we are so judgmental towards others.
[00:09:22] We are very, very difficult and we can, and, but I do believe that Anthony loves and accepts me a hundred percent with all, but he’s never avoid, he has been affected by some of my weaknesses. He has never complained to me about any of them. And he has many weaknesses that I’ve been affected about.
[00:09:42] Maybe I’ve complained a little bit more than him over the years, but net, net, I think the reason why all that was possible is that we truly accept each other. Like we are, there’s no expectation that we should change. We took each other on fully flaws and all this is the person I appreciate this person.
[00:10:01] And when the flaws come out, it’s part of the package. There’s nothing to whine about.
[00:10:04]Maybe no. Well, I have many lines of thinking, but no conclusions yet. One line of thinking that pops up for me is the question of the line of thinking of maybe it’s the accepting people fully is with people that I feel I’ve shown my whole self to. And they accepted that, Oh, I am able or comfortable showing my whole self, not just my, and they don’t just like the good side of me, my strengths, maybe it’s.
[00:10:39]That I mean, it’s not many humans. And when I think about the people that are fully accepted, it’s people that have been tremendous blessings in my life. So maybe you have to be an insanely insane blessing to be afforded a luxury, to have these weaknesses as well with me. You know what I mean? Maybe it’s just not something I can grant to everybody that I meet.
[00:10:59]My thinking when I ponder this question also goes into that direction where it’s like, yeah, there’s just very few people who select to, give them that status. But then I come back to what you said about PG and I’m like, well, he did that kind of apparently with everyone that YC and probably a lot of people outside of YC as well.
[00:11:17] So sure he has his flaws as well. I’m sure if you were a VC trying to meet PG, you didn’t get a fully accepting and loving person, in front of you or something like corporate manager or something.
[00:11:28] PG just found his crowd, which was young founders in. He love that crowd so much. And it’s so much love and empathy that he accepted. Everybody holds on. Right. Just try to help. I’m not sure how he is in other situations, other people, but to me, it’s also the part of this reflects back to self-acceptance because I’m least accepting in areas towards other people that I’m not accepting of myself in those areas as well.
[00:11:55]Right. So, you know, I’ll, I’ll. Give you an example to me, it’s very difficult to listen to people that don’t take responsibility. That’s something I hate when people don’t take responsibility, but why? Because I would never accept that with myself. I never allowed myself to push responsibility away. And have I wanted to not be responsible?
[00:12:16] I’m sure. I can’t think of a time it’s so ingrained in my personality by now, but I’m sure there are parts of me and moments where I wanted to just complain and I’d just never allowed myself because I don’t accept that part of me. And so when I encounter that outside in the real world, I have a strong negative rejection towards that because I reject that towards myself as well.
[00:12:38]Now it doesn’t mean that. I don’t think that the logical conclusion as well, once you accept every part of you, you can just walk. Maybe this is it. He would just walk around and he’d just accept everybody the way they are. And you just love everybody. But I honestly don’t think that accepting means tolerating necessarily, right.
[00:12:57] Maybe accepting is even the wrong word. Maybe it’s just fully recognizing just going, this is who you are and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell people, but this action isn’t right. But you have to stop here. Like here’s the boundary. I don’t think that it’s an either or black or white either.
[00:13:14] You accept somebody that they could do to you, whatever they want or you don’t accept them. I don’t know if it’s that simple. I wonder if you can be. Accepting of people like I ex like you are the small circle of people. I fully accepted with all your weaknesses and weaknesses, which were to know there are many.
[00:13:33] And and it doesn’t mean that, that I don’t see those mistakes. Well, I don’t see these things. And it doesn’t mean that I won’t call you all one when you cross a line, when you go too far, right. It just means that when you do it, I’m not outraged because that’s who you are or have been up until this point.
[00:13:54] I’m like, God, this is expected. I’m not going to get angry. You know, I I’ve decided to, to live with some of these things. So I’m not getting angry at them anymore. I know you’re trying your best, whatever. It’s not a big deal. But it doesn’t mean I’m blind to them or, um, you know, you could do anything to me and I would always be just like, thank you, you know?
[00:14:14] And, uh, this is amazing because I’m sure from some vintage point everything is validated that you think could do. And we all think a do, um, talk that, but I wonder, yeah. Yeah. I wonder what it takes. I’m sure the amount of positive that the whole package when the whole package is 80% blessings and 20% negatives, that’s easier to take.
[00:14:38] Right? When it’s a 50 50 package in front of you, then I think it’s a, how mutual is this? Can I be also my worst self? And that person accepts me right. Has that person loved me fully or is their friendship and love or partnership conditional. So I’m sure it has to be neutral to feel fine and fair to me.
[00:15:05] Um, and then I’m sure there’s a component that’s about me in those areas. Although I don’t know. I don’t know because they, you know, they’re, they’re
[00:15:15]no, I’m not sure. Some of the things that I accept from the people that had the small circle, I think I don’t accept it myself. I don’t allow myself to do, that’s why I’m so critical with them. Like, that’s why I used to be so critical, but now kind of, I’m fine with it. Although I haven’t changed, maybe I’ve changed a little bit.
[00:15:30] Maybe this is what it is, you know, I’ve softened on some of these mistakes. Actually, this is a, I think I might be onto something with this line of thinking, because I’m just thinking about my oldest brother right now. Right. And one of the things I always hated about him was how egotistical he was or how selfish in some, some areas of life.
[00:15:56]And I never, like, I, I really didn’t respect that part of him, although his many, many strengths and many positives, this was something that I was deeply judgmental about. And over the past six months, I’ve softened on this a lot. And that softening was first internal first with me because there are parts in me I’ve not allowed myself to live or act out.
[00:16:23] I almost feel like even a better choice of word than softening would be understanding. Like you understand. Yeah. I understand where it’s coming from. And also instead of just purely thinking of it as a weakness, I now think about this. In a more nuanced way. There, there are positives and negatives to this being artistical.
[00:16:45] The positive is that you’re standing up for yourself that you pay attention to yourself and what you want. And you honestly say it to the world. Like one of the things that I really admire about him is that he’s willing to say, I want this thing. I know it’s selfish. I still want it in ways. I would have never had the courage to say where I would have thought I want this thing, but it’s selfish.
[00:17:07] I can’t say it. If I say it, I have to say it in a way that doesn’t solve the selfish, you know, like how can I sell this to myself and to the world in a way where we all agree, it’s not that bad. And then when he would do it, it would really annoy me. And now I’m like, no, that’s actually a much more pure and truthful way of being it’s acknowledging in this situation, what I’m doing.
[00:17:29] I don’t do for. A good reason or for others? No, the real reason is I just like this and this means so much to me, it’s like, it’s worth being selfish for, right. I choose it. I choose to choose to ask for something that will not be looked upon kindly with everybody. And I won’t mince my words or try to explain or sell anybody on why it’s not that bad.
[00:17:53] It is, but it is what I want. Now, when I look at it, I go, wow, that’s dope. So much click. And I always, I sometimes ask myself how he gets away with some of the shit then, and then I thought, yeah, well it’s so clean. You might dislike it, but it’s very clean and honest, whereas I would either suppress it and then have inner conflict and unhappiness and resentment.
[00:18:19] Why would let it out, but in a very timid way and try to like. Embellish it, or try to mask it in some way that nobody could critique me, but people would still feel it sort of selfish. It was all this false hood because I was just not courageous enough to speak my truth. And he has many, he has many his amount of metaphors, just, just like his younger brother.
[00:18:45] But, um, this is one of the things that I went from deeply judgmental about and looking down upon him, like, look at him. He’s like a lesser man than me because he’s so selfish to now admiring and saying, Oh, there’s something I can learn here. It doesn’t mean I want to live my life like he does or make some of the choices he does, but I respect it in a way where I didn’t.
[00:19:11] And it’s because I’ve slowly allowed myself to feel these feelings. And also to recognize and be honest about it. Awesome. I’m a human being. This is selfish. Well, this is unreasonable and it is what I really feel right now. This is what I really want. So I have to deal with this in some way. Maybe I have to pursue it in earnest.
[00:19:35] I stop it, but I can’t suppress it or deceive myself or others around us. And the moment I have changed myself internally around this topic, this is not a problem anymore. Now he still does it in, in some ways that I would not do myself. It’s not like I’m in agreement now with what he does. But I, but I’m at peace with it and I’ve also learned from it.
[00:20:03] So there’s even a appreciation for it. So I do think there’s a theme in some ways where
[00:20:09]it’s maybe an important ingredient when trying for me to take somebody on board wholeheartedly, completely as they are. And not just parts of them is that the parts I dislike are not part of that. I’m in deep denial or internal rejection off. If I have a very troubled relationship with something inside of me, then it will reflect in the outside world that when I see it, it triggers me.
[00:20:39]I’m not just saying, I don’t like this I’m my body is tensing up. I’m getting angry. I’m getting irritated. I’m getting, you know, arrogant like this, some dirty energy that comes out of me. Well, it comes out of me because there was something inside of me. That’s not okay. It’s not at peace. Um, so I think that that might also play into this, but it’s a very, it’s such an interesting concept.
[00:21:04] Like what makes us accept somebody even remember, uh, Fred Wilson from AVC? I think it’s abc.com. He was, he used to be a very famous investor blogger. I’m sure he’s still a famous investor. Um, he had written about his marriage. Um, one time, I don’t know it was married for 20 years, for 30 years, whatever a long time.
[00:21:27] And. He wrote the sort of like the number one reason why his marriage has worked and why his wife and him are still happy with each other and in love is that they fully accepted each other early on in the relationship. I remember reading that, that stayed with me like when you are married to somebody, they come with baggage.
[00:21:50] They have some good things that probably the things that made you fall in love with them and want them, but they also have a bunch of things that are not great, you know, that you will suffer for, that will irritate you. That will anger you. That will hurt you. Can you take them wholesome the way they are as a full package, maybe they’ll improve.
[00:22:10] Maybe they won’t. Can you accept them? Because if you do, you can live with each other. But if you don’t, if you just accept the things you really love or like, You reject all the things you dislike. If it’s kind of a 50, 50 battle and internal battle, then it’s always going to stay an external battle. And the marriage won’t last.
[00:22:28]That made sense to me. The thing you forgot to write is how do you do that? Exactly. Probably exactly. Do that. And it’s not to mean my experience with the people that I’ve experienced this with. It was not a mental thing. It was not a thing of will. I couldn’t just think, just accept this person. And then, you know, my body soul mind and went okay.
[00:22:49] You know, it was, it was a moment where that clicked somehow, but I don’t know what, I don’t know where that lever is, what that button is, where it is, how to push it exactly. Consciously , on command. So it’s an interesting question for me to explore a little bit more about to me is interesting because you said it was a moment, like for you, it wasn’t like gradually because when, when I thought about it also, I, can say it was one moment, but I can definitely there some moments that stand out with the people that I fully accept. And most of the time it’s like moments where it was kind of like pushed at the edge of something and I pondered it. I’m like at the point where I’m like, no, I’m actually okay.
[00:23:26] It is what it is. And this is okay. Yeah. with Anthony Thomas, it was definitely a moment as I described with you. I don’t remember the moment. It definitely happened during our, what, what do you call that? Our second romancing of sorts, right? Where are we with this? kind of like three phases. Basically. The first one was when we first became friends, in the metaphor romance, we madly fell in love. You moved from Berlin. We started a business. You know, we started a family. We’re planning to travel home for years around the world, kind of madly excited about working together.
[00:24:04] And then, Oh my God, the heartbreak and the anger and the fights and the fuck you are. And that’s it. We slept right. We’re not friends with. And then we had a second phase where we were like, ah, I kind of regret that, that relationship didn’t work out. And you know, maybe I wrecked it. Maybe I did some shitty things.
[00:24:19]And then we came together again and became friends and coworkers. And that was a slower pace, right. It’s like, Oh, you know, we work together on small projects and then a bigger one. And then you came full time on and we did, we worked on interesting stuff. Right. And you instantly were able to help me. Do more things.
[00:24:37]And so we started enjoying really the work we were doing together, but it sort of stayed, it was, a working relationship that was sprung out of friendship, but we Kindle as a working relation. And once we got through the first honeymoon of working together and really liking the work we’re doing, then, things that weren’t going so well and whatever, whatever.
[00:24:56] And then we had a challenging working environment for like a year or so, and that really chilled and cooled off our friendship. We really created this big distance and all of a sudden we’re Boston employee and just weird between us and that got better gradually, but it sort of stayed more professional than friendly.
[00:25:15]And then we had this third wave where our friendship really rekindled. And we started opening up again and becoming really friends again. Um, no, I can’t point to a moment where you did something or I thought something and then it clicked and I went, all right, I’m fully accepting Remy. Now, like now I I’ll take him wholesome.
[00:25:35] I don’t remember that. At least not consciously,
[00:25:37]but yeah, it’s, it’s, there is probably a moment where that happens. You make that decision either it’s very big and dramatic or maybe it’s just a fleeting feeling and then it’s just different. But I do believe that I think you’re right. That maybe there’s a buildup, but there’s a moment where we either completely let somebody in or not,
[00:25:55] not a deer. I haven’t regretted doing that with you. You know, sometimes it’s a bad joke.
[00:26:04]It’s interesting to me, this is a powerful question though. What makes me, what makes me accept another human being fully in my life? What, what does it take for them, for me? How do I do it? What is the formula? Do I ever really do it? I mean, this is a, it’s a powerful question and one I need to, and we’ll continue to explore because I don’t feel yet that I really understand it.