My RIDICULOUS subconscious thoughts

Here’s another episode that can be tagged with “aftereffects of reading Kafka”.

Little Voice In My Head A: “Steli, it’s 11am and you’ve not done anything yet”.

To which Little Voice In My Head B responded: “Well, fuck you, I don’t have to do anything if I don’t have to!”

And both of them got into an argument they’ve been through thousands of times over the past couple of years. But it always happened kinda just below the level of consciousness, where I’ve never really been fully aware of this micro-battle.

today at 11:00 AM.
[00:00:02] I came back from grocery shopping and as I’m coming up, there’s a voice in my head that goes to 11:00 AM. Do you have done nothing? You’ve done nothing yet. And then there was a counter voice that said, well, mother, you don’t have to do anything. You don’t, you don’t need to do anything if you don’t want to don’t do anything.
[00:00:20]And I caught that. That’s a dialogue and I didn’t quite, I didn’t quite get the voice rate for the second one. It’s more like, it’s even it’s for childish. It’s like a child that’s gone. I don’t have to do anything. Yeah, it’s a boy. It’s a voice that says that implicitly says, fuck everyone.
[00:00:38] And sometimes I think I even say that, but fuck everybody, I don’t need to do anything. Fuck all this shit. I don’t need to do anything. And then this, these two sentiments and sentences, let’s say, and this kind of little loop I’ve gone through this a million times. This is a totally unconscious loop.
[00:01:01]at the edge of my awareness hearing it, but not quite hearing it, not being there, not aware for it. And today I heard it fully and I sat down and I went. Isn’t this funny, the first voice It’s an unreasonable dad. That’s 11:00 AM. And you still haven’t done everything you ever wanted this year.
[00:01:22] It’s like motherfucker. I did seven things to 11:00 AM. now I’m at the grocery store. So we’re just doing a thing. And I did, I picked up the key for garage. And before that, like I did a couple of things. Give me a break. It’s too harsh. But the response, I don’t need to do anything. And like, kicking the ground, like a little Chubb, that’s a very childish response because it’s also absolutely not true.
[00:01:49]I do not, not need to do anything. Do you want to and need to do some things? so it was this, this funny loop that I wrote down and I thought. This is not, it’s both kind of comical, right? Because if it played out in real life, I’d be like, well, he is an unreasonable parent and he is a very unreasonable child and child, his response, a unreasonable, accusation to tell you, no, it’s 11:00 AM you haven’t done anything when you’ve done a bunch of things, but it’s also a childish and unreasonable response to go.
[00:02:24] I do not need to do anything. And it’s not only that. Where does this loop lead me to? Like, how does that make me feel that little inner dialogue, that inner little dynamic. Where do I end up at one moment, I feel pressured and overwhelmed and like a failure. And then the next moment I feel like this rebelling kit that goes, fuck everything, dropping everything.
[00:02:52] I will do zero today and every and everything, and everybody can go fuck themselves. Those are two such extreme positions, but then what do I do right after? And usually right after I don’t do much. Right. I’m sort of annoyed at how little I’ve done and now I’m determined to keep that going. So dumbest thing ever, this, this fits in the theme of thoughts that are ridiculous, you know, things that we think that acted out as characters are comical, like set tire of real life.
[00:03:27] But in my head, I can tell you that I thought these thoughts and I had these voices in my mind. I don’t know for how long, but for years, and for the past few years, I can tell, I remember, multiple times a day, sometimes it’s 4:00 PM. You’ve done nothing today. See the day’s over 8:00 PM. What did you do today?
[00:03:47] Like that kind of a, I’ve not accomplished enough today. And then also the angry. Fuck everything. I don’t need to those two always. Yeah. Now I still get a shit ton done because there’s other voices in my head actually as well, you know, that just go, you know, maybe it’s the reasonable mom or whatever, or the sibling that goes, you know, as the two are arguing that don’t worry about these people let’s cook some dinner, you know, and then it was, it was the father arguing we put in on and we bring them and we sit them down and we start a conversation, you know?
[00:04:20] Life keeps going on. We don’t take this too seriously. So there’s parts of me that eventually just go all out. This needs to get done. So I’ll do it. And you know, this is, and then I’m fine, but it’s a loop a that was beyond my reach. So also beyond my control. I didn’t choose this consciously as something I want to think constantly.
[00:04:43]And it did zero to make me a happier, healthier person this in no way has ever helped me do anything will feel better about anything that I do do. So once it was in front of my eyes, I thought, isn’t this weird. Let me write it down. And now. It’s at the point of awareness where I don’t want to jump to conclusions and say, I’m going to kill these characters, or this loop will be replaced by a better loop, but at least in for sure, I will come out of my room when those two are arguing and look at them, it’s not in the background.
[00:05:20] More awareness. Yeah. Yeah, it ties back to this idea of what are all these ridiculous, inner thoughts expected. Patients’ voices dialogues that are going on. That if we could project outward into characters, it would be obvious in front of our eyes that this is absolutely the ridiculous it’s.
[00:05:43] Well, it’s destructive. It’s egotistical. It’s childish. To mature, but because it’s just half a step behind the line of our awareness and presence, it can run many, many times in the background. Sometimes that background noise that runs consistently and constantly is what runs our life is what dictates our behavior, our responses.
[00:06:08]Our feelings, our actions, and with that, the kind of life we have the kind of people around us, the way we are and who we become. And we never ever know what is drive. What’s the driving force. What is the nudge? What is the thing that make me feel a certain way that made me respond a certain way to something?
[00:06:26] What was that?
[00:06:27]It’s both beautiful and it’s so ugly. So such a mess, you know, and again, like this whole thing to me, if it was a startup team that told me. You know, every time at 1:00 PM, one of the farmers take and then the other one’s like, I don’t have to do fucking shit, go fuck yourself. I’ll be like, this is you guys.
[00:06:52] This is ridiculous that you can’t work like this. You can’t get anything done like this. And it’s also unreasonable and wrong. Right. But in my head as a tiny little voice, it rent maybe thousands and thousands of times never challenged, never exposed. Never changed was just there. No, I don’t know when it started.
[00:07:13] I don’t know how, I don’t know how we got there. I was just there. Right. And also sometimes because we’ve run through this thing, like, you know, 10,000 times is familiar with it. It almost like it seems normal, right? It seems normal until you do what you did with, it’s like, you really look at it and you’re like, wait, this is not okay.
[00:07:32] I’ve seen this 10,000 times. And normally things that, of course, 10,000 times a normal, but this isn’t it. I mean, the amount of things, the last. Year and a half that I’ve spotted that I thought this is definitely not normal. You know, it’s very shocking, but this, I love the effect that the trial had on me for the past few days, because although it has not made me a happier person, it really has made me look different glasses and those glasses are.
[00:08:05] Where am I ridiculous? Where am I egotistical in hidden weights? and so I, I, I am looking at myself and my behavior and my thoughts from a slightly different angle. I walked over to another corner of the room. I picked up another chair from another angle and I’m just. Let’s take another look at this room from this angle, from this chair, for this height, from this position, from this perspective, and see, do I find w will I find something new?
[00:08:36] Will I discover something interesting? Something appear to be different than it did from all the other angles that I’ve looked at it. And, um, to me, even the indication that I want to do that, I mean, Being human. I know I must have these things. Right. Um, and so I know they’ll spot something, but then also having the desire to walk over and look at the room from that corner, that desire in and of itself is telling to me, it means there are things right yet, yet another place to look to.
[00:09:16]peel another layer of the onion in ways that I wouldn’t have done naturally not something that had without to me without the book, because it’s not something that
[00:09:27]I have gotten out of all my shortcomings or struggles or weaknesses. It’s not something that. Has ever penetrated to a priority or to the top of the list or nobody’s ever even told me anything like that. I’ve never seen anything to work on this. So team think about us in some serious way, but the book made me go.
[00:09:51]I do think that we’re probably all more like that than we’d like to admit and realize. Yeah. Also not to lessen the impact of the book, but I do think the fact that, you know, um, you do have the desire to be like to go there and take this perspective. Right. And look at things through that lens is a good time versus something like reading the book, being like, Oh, it’s so ridiculous.
[00:10:20] Such a person. Yeah. I know someone like this, but you know, that’s. And, you know, I could easily imagine many people reading the book and going, this has nothing to do with me. This is not somebody I could associate with in any way. This is not me at all. Um, and for that reading at that time, they’d probably be right.
[00:10:45] It’s just, you know, it’s the. The desire. You, you know what you want out of these books right now, I’m reading these, these books, not just right now, always, but right now, maybe in a intensified way and reading these books with a desire to understand. The world more deeply myself, more deeply yourself. Yeah.
[00:11:07] Yeah. And to see what is the universal truth in those storylines in those care tar characters develop and where do they reflect things back to me that, uh, can shine a new light. And so I, I approached these books that way. And so I see these things, or I imagine that in ways where somebody’s reading this, because they have to do some work or homework assignment, or just because they want to be entertained, which are both legitimate reasons to read something, you know, will not maybe make them all of a sudden walk around.
[00:11:39]Yeah, pulling out their thoughts from their mind and looking at them and going, I knew there’s some ridiculousness in me. What is this? This makes no sense. There’s also something beautiful about art and literature and storytelling, right? Where, you could have like a. Personal development workshop or workbook, or you know, how to guide that tells you, Oh, look at pay attention to your thoughts and this and that, but it wouldn’t, it wouldn’t do it for you.
[00:12:05] Right. But this one it’s a story. But in that it’s like a, you know, like a candy with vitamins inside some kind of thing. Yeah. I think that, uh, the, vehicle of story and metaphor can travel much deeper and reach us, reach within us much further than any surface level instruction of something. But.
[00:12:34]I mean, in both cases, in both cases, you could read a lot of like self-help and then read a lot of fiction and both could not affect you in the way you change your life. I think stories are partially so powerful because a, they render us defenseless when we encounter them. Oftentimes if they’re effective, Right. It’s like we don’t defend flies by the rider. Yeah. Yeah. We don’t defend against stories because by design of usually the stories about someone else and no matter how similar that person is to us, no matter how much their learning or struggle relates to us, it’s about someone else.
[00:13:17] So I don’t have to have my defenses up. Nobody’s telling me what I need to change. Right. Because I have my defenses down. It can. Reach much deeper and further can actually touch me or effect me in ways where otherwise I might have acted or worked against. Um,
[00:13:35]but I think no matter what way you, no matter what we, as humans try to encounter, change and growth.
[00:13:43]This what makes you ready? Like, what is it that allows you to change versus you maybe have them mental desire to improve something or change something. You might be exposing yourself to any kind of information or writing to help you with that. But then you can’t change your behavior or your thoughts or your words or whatever to get there that.
[00:14:13] Is not old like that can’t be affected by necessarily just by what you’re choosing as tools to help you get there. And so we’re way, it doesn’t matter if it’s like, whatever let’s say, I want to procrastinate less. Right. I could like buy a bunch of books about how not to procrastinate, goodbye, a bunch of books on how to build better habits to not procrastinate.
[00:14:35] I could read a story about procrastination. I could go to a seminar workshop. I could get a mentor. I could talk to a bunch of friends. There’s something inside of us that needs to open before any of these things could work. But sometimes the type of thing that’s in front of us helps us open in some weird way.
[00:14:56] I also, I also think. it’s one thing when you have like a clear agenda Wheeler. Okay. I know I have this issue and I want to do something about it, but with a book sometimes, you know, something that maybe the, the author of the book experience and wants to communicate and make people understand.
[00:15:15] Right. Or they just wants to want to share for whatever reason. And then that’s, that’s, it’s a, it’s a blind spot of the reader, You don’t even know about the universe, think about this, but once you read it, it’s tricky. And suddenly there’s a, there’s a map of that thing. And you, you realize, Oh, there’s this Island that exists here in the spec of the ocean that I didn’t even know about before, you know?
[00:15:37]so I think as that, this is a really powerful tool because it’s, this life is so complex and there’s, it’s such a big. Canvas to, uh, to be on where all these blind spots that you don’t know about. I find books are like a wonderful tool to help you discover these. Yeah. they are,
[00:15:58]there’s something. Truly magical about language in general, like language is magic in many ways, but can transform, like you can look at one item, something real, something physical, something observable. And through the change of language, you could morph it into seven different things. Right. You know, the there’s a, there’s an old pen.
[00:16:23] It looks like garbage and then somebody says, you know, did you know that polio? Yeah. Well now all of a sudden this is a treasure, right? And then you could say something else about it and boom. Now all of a sudden it’s, again, not that important, through language we can project meaning and morphing in ways that are like, think about how life would be.
[00:16:47]For us humans with all our brain power, but you Rob us of language, like you said, we can, we can have as much IQ and as big of a brain, but we C we will not have the ability to create language. Now we’re in many ways back to like, we’re now maybe one of the more intelligent animals on earth. But look at how unimaginable to me, like animals have language, right?
[00:17:14] Some kind of language. Well, you know, maybe you have groaning or something, but you cannot, you can, you cannot, you can not form a language. We are, there is no humanity anymore. Like we are something else entirely. Everything doesn’t matter if it’s science, religion, art. Whatever it is, what enables it is the ability to communicate around it, to give, to create words so that we can create meaning around the world and beyond within ourselves and without ourselves.
[00:17:54] So language is like the fucking that’s the game changer. That’s the magic. And then writing is a special form of language. It’s very similar to spoken language, but still very different. It does different things. It is different. It goes to different places. Sometimes it reaches different next include, uh, I can’t say it cracks and.
[00:18:22] you know what I mean? I don’t have to, I don’t have to speak language for you to hear language. Okay. The noises that make you think something. Um, so yeah, I think that there’s, there’s. I think a big part. I wonder if a big part of it is when you read a book, is that these words, your, I see your eyes, see the words, but they ha you’re speaking them in your mind.
[00:18:58] Yeah. It’s your inner voice and your inner eyes. Yeah. That is bringing the book a life, which is something that a movie. A magazine, a video, an audio, but what audio might have a different magic to it because it gives, it rubs you of the voice, or it enriches you through a different person’s voice. And then even more senior lowly focuses you on the inner eye.
[00:19:25] The imagination part, right versus reading is kind of an interplay between your inner voice and your inner eye, but it’s completely your own. Like that’s the that’s. The only way we can share a story where all of the story avoid someone else’s is being brought to life within you. All other forms of storytelling.
[00:19:50] There’s some interplay between the storyteller and yourself, right movie. You’re just have to observe eyes open mind, open ears, open. Audio, you’re imagining, you know, when you, when the theater, some sort of music you’re listening and watching, but in a book, it’s someone else’s story, but it’s completely brought to life within you.
[00:20:16] Yeah. The creation of the story almost happens within yourself more than any other medium. And it’s not, it is. Who knows to what degree is your own? Like when you read a book, such a major part, let’s call it 50 50 for simplicity sake. A large part of the experience of the story is uniquely yours, which will be completely different.
[00:20:47] If someone else reads the same book. That again is true also for many other ways of consuming story, but never to that degree, never to as large of a degree as reading a book,
[00:21:02] it’s real. Is it a real magic to it? It’s incredible.
[00:21:07] shit we’re ready at almost. The end of our recording and we’ve talked about nothing. This is one part of my voice. And then the other part of my voice is going to fuck up. We don’t have to talk about anything. We can do whatever the fuck we want on this. Honestly, this is only partly partially a joke. I’ve taught this many times when we talk, when we do repair, I get it.
[00:21:30] I get it.

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