A bad day

This might just be the most uncomfortable piece of content I’ve ever published. I recently had a lousy day, and captured my mood and thoughts in a rare, ad hoc voice memo. I want to share this with you, because I believe there’s value in realizing that we all have down days.

But rather than just throw the recording at you, I actually listened to it again and added my comments to it afterwards, so you get both the raw and bruised up version of myself in a bad day, as well as myself reflecting on it.

Heads up: This is a very experimental format. I definitely feel uncomfortable sharing this with you. Heck, not too long ago I’d feel uncomfortable sharing this part of myself with even close friends. But inner work is called “work” for a reason: Oftentimes it means doing the thing you don’t feel like doing.  


I feel like shit. And today sucked, you know, it’s not even that. It was that bad of a day today said yesterday was actually really good. So starting today with the expectations and the standard. Status that yesterday’s set. I thought that today would be an amazing day just like it. So this is actually I think an interesting idea, an important idea that when things go well, they create expectations for anything that.

[00:00:46] Follows needs to be as great or better because everything, the way we judge every situation is kind of, so. In comparison to too. Yeah. It’s always relative to, it’s always contextual. There’s nothing in a vacuum. This is good. And this is bad or very good or very bad. It’s always like in compared to the day before, the day after the moment before my neighbors, my best friends, whatever.

[00:01:13] And so there is this, it’s the same thing with stock market where you, you know, you buy a stock for 10 bucks, it goes up to a hundred. And then when it goes down to 90, in your mind, you just lost 10 bucks of profit versus realizing that you still 80 bucks in profit and you can just sell now. So people hold on and they’re like, when, when I’m back to a hundred, I’m going to sell.

[00:01:32] And then it goes down to 70 and they’re like, Oh my God. Now I lost 30. And then it goes down to 60, like, Oh my God, I’m, I’m definitely wait until spec to a hundred. And then at some point it’s at five bucks and it’s like, fuck. And. This idea that when you have a really good moment day, whatever deal you closed, that was incredible.

[00:01:54] Is that now one of the traps is that now one of the nice things is that it might be the start of more positive momentum, right? Winning you’re feeling good. You’re going to go and do some more winning that can happen. But the other thing that could be a trap is that. You just closed a really big deal. It was super easy.

[00:02:14] The personal, I was just like, yes, I’m going to sign this multimillion dollar contract. It was much better and easier and bigger than you expected. And you’re like floating on this high and now you have the next call, the next negotiation. And that starts really, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be super harsh, even if it just starts normal and a bit more critical.

[00:02:36] It might make you. Feel like, Oh my God, this is a terrible call. Right? Because the last call was so easy and so great. And so the trap of success is that it sets an expectation that if it’s slightly below, you’re now going to start believing that things are going bad, or this is really bad, although it’s still good.

[00:03:00] Right. Although things are still pretty good. You’re just like yesterday. Yesterday was not that bad of a day. Honestly, it was, I had hundreds of days that were much worse than yesterday in the last 12 months. Hundreds is maybe a bit much, but I had lots of base, but yes, it was sort of. I would say it was an okay day.

[00:03:31] Not a great day. It was okay. But because it came after a great day, it felt like a terrible day to me. All right. Let’s keep listening. I thought actually my expectation were actually that today would be even better than yesterday, right? Why not? Yes, it was good. I have some momentum I’m rocking and rolling then.

[00:03:54] Nothing happened the morning wasn’t as good, kind of turned it around a little bit. It was about not to go to Brazilian jujitsu training and I kind of forced myself through it. And then I was really happy. So maybe that was my highlight of the day. I kind of felt like, all right, the morning was kind of shit.

[00:04:12] Now that I went to training and the training session was so good. This is the turnaround point. And I’m going to make this day, my bitch. I’m gonna make the state amazing. And then I didn’t, this is going to come back and it’s so interesting that you like, this is like, make this day, my bitch. It’s not who way I think about my days, but, uh, is it, is it like really like, um, like for me it’s more like, okay.

[00:04:39] I’m like in the flow with the state dancing with the state, it’s not like me versus the day, but it’s that like the F is that like your framework? Not really. Um, not really. I. I think, I don’t know where this popped up, this like metaphor of I lost against the day and when the ring, maybe it was, maybe I watched some fights before some sparring session or something and they kind of put that metaphor in my mind, but it’s honestly not that I wake up in the morning and I’m like, I’m going to make today.

[00:05:11] My bitch. Although I like that, like that, that idea, that kind of attitude, I like. Okay. And I’ve heard from others and that’s where I caught it, but it’s not, it’s not necessarily the way I wake up or the way I think about the days I’m going to conquer the day. Not really. Yeah. See what happened. It was just, I don’t know.

[00:05:38] It was just that nothing felt as amazing as the day before. So the day before. I didn’t go to training, but I didn’t feel bad about it because instead of going to training, I did an almost hour long meditation and that meditation was incredible and I really needed it. Did they? I went to training and I came back and I thought, I’m going to double dip.

[00:06:02] I’m going to go to training and not really double dip, but I’m going to go to training and now I’m going to meditate. So today’s going to be doubled as good as yesterday. And I meditated and. It was okay, but it wasn’t as magical as it was yesterday. And then I worked on a bunch of stuff and that was okay.

[00:06:28] I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. It’s one of those days where it’s seven 47 for 7:00 PM and 47 minutes. And I’m like, what the fuck did I do today? Have a headache. I’ve been having a headache for a couple of hours. Now, bunch of my calls, where we scheduled and I wanted to do some writing today and I want it, I want to see something here, which is, you know, the, the urge to have narrative, the human urge to explain things is always causing us.

[00:07:07] There’s always a reason. There’s always some kind of an explanation. It’s very rare that we are okay. And at peace with saying this didn’t go well. And I don’t know why, and I don’t care. Right. Or like, Like just, we always have to have some kind of a storyline around things. Our brain needs needs, this needs, meaning we need to be able to understand.

[00:07:33] And oftentimes what urge does is that it will create a narrative. And it’s not clear if that narrative is true or not. It just, as long as it sounds logical, it puts us at ease. It also puts us at ease planning our life and our experiences to others yesterday was a bad day. Rameen what will the next question be?

[00:07:59] You’ll ask. Oh, why? Well, I just couldn’t get anything done. What is the next urge? It’s almost, you’re forced to say. Well, why do you think that happened? What was it? Were you in a bad mood? Did you do too much? This, did you not eat? Did you not exercise? Like we’re instantly pressured internally with this urge to now come up with a storyline and explanation.

[00:08:24] We can’t just go. Oh yes. It was shitty. Why? I just couldn’t get anything done. Oh, well, these days exists. How’s it going today? What are we doing next? Like that’s. It’s not usual. People will try to figure out meaning. And for me it would be very uncomfortable to just tell you yesterday was shitty. And I don’t know why.

[00:08:41] So let’s talk about other things that just feels wrong. I need to be like yesterday was not good. And I now understand why in the morning, I didn’t take the time to be with myself to really connect with my. You know, with myself to really realize what I wanted out of the day. So that led me down a path that made the day not so good.

[00:09:02] And that seems much more satisfying to me to say, because now I’ve explained it until I can move on from it, versus just letting things be once in a while, without having some causal explanation, why anything and everything in our life happens. Anyways, moving on some deep thinking. And yesterday I was in the flow, I did some really deep thinking and deep work that felt amazing.

[00:09:31] And I made some decisions and that felt amazing. And today, none of that happened. So I’m sitting here and I’m wondering what the fuck happened today, but I realized I have to put that aside. Because now I’m at a point where I’m not in the moment anymore, and I’m not looking ahead and look thinking to the future and looking forward to, but I’m looking back.

[00:10:03] In a defeated and critical way. It’s not critical. It’s more whiny. What happened? It’s like I got my ass beat. Like I went to the ring yesterday with the, and I beat that bitch up and I was, you know, I was flying like a butterfly that was stinging like a bee. And I was in the flow and I was in control of the day I was in control of myself.

[00:10:27] I was the captain of my ship. And. I went on some great adventures and I accomplished some beautiful things. And today the day punched me in the face and it’s like the Mike Tyson quote, you know, everybody’s got a plan until they get punched in the face. And today, for some reason I got unexpectedly.

[00:10:51] Punched in the face. I was just, I could not get into flow. I couldn’t get going. It was all stopping and go actually a bat, a metaphor. I just kind of stumbled into it because of the Mike Tyson quote, that kind of popped up in my head. But the truth is the day didn’t punch me in the, in the face. Nothing happened to me yesterday.

[00:11:15] Sometimes the day punches you in the face. Sometimes there’s. Whatever. I don’t know. There’s no, there’s no electricity in your corner. There’s a car accident you’re involved with or something yesterday. Nothing bad happened to me. I just could not get in the flow of things. Why I didn’t get in the flow of things.

[00:11:38] That’s that it’s like me getting, go ahead. Yeah. I think you, like when you said this whole, like what the fuck. Happened today. Like I know that feeling exactly. And it’s very easy to kind of make that the slide that you sit on and then go down and downward spiral with. It’s like, what the fuck ever today?

[00:11:56] And it’s like, you make it just worse and get stuck on it. But you had that at that moment, you had like the self-talk that prevented you from going down on that downward spiral. And there’s something I realized I want to talk about relaxation. The next time we record and we talk like the power of learning, how to relax, because they’re like the thing I, I recognize now in these that one of the biggest inhibitors of my own best self is that I tense up too often about too many things.

[00:12:38] And yesterday evening as I was recording this, one of the things that I could sense was that my whole body was super tense and it was this feeling that the day was shit. I didn’t accomplish anything. And I had such high expectations. What the fuck? But the physical. Manifestation of that was just tenseness that tenseness.

[00:13:05] I try to describe as like holding on to this failure, holding on this negativity versus letting it go

[00:13:14] before I knew it that day was over and I’m out of the ring. You know, it’s not daytime anymore. It’s like dark, the night has come and I just have to shake it off. Yeah. Yes. Yesterday was great today. Not so much. Doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t unfold in a straight line. It’s time to get over it and get on with it.

[00:13:41] It doesn’t matter just because you have a great day doesn’t mean the next day is going to be as good or better. And equally just because they sucked doesn’t mean that tomorrow has to stock. I’ll be even worse. I got my ass beat. All right. Congratulations. I’m assuming being ups and downs, roller coaster rides.

[00:14:03] I can’t always win. I cannot always win the best thing I can do now. Sled and go relax. And that’s the tough part at this point. So tense and so unsatisfied with a result of the day that I’m clinging to it. Cause they’re claiming into it that we’ll call software nothing good will come out of that. I’m not making myself better or anything better by punishing myself for the day.

[00:14:35] And today’s nothing for they where it can point to a mistake. It was just not my day. Once in awhile, you have to stop overthinking it. Just let it go. Just go was my day I’ll attack and engage. And we adjust retry tomorrow. Maybe tonight we’ll get something useful out of this in my mind. And in my world, I’m like, well, maybe I can share this.

[00:15:02] It’s very rare. Let me take that back. I’m not sure if I’ve ever reported something and I’ve recorded it. Thousands of pieces of content, right? I mean 10,000 pieces of content by now, YouTube views podcasts. You nailed it. I don’t think I’ve ever recorded something when I, as shitty as I feel right now. So this is my let’s actually examined this real quick.

[00:15:34] In hindsight. Now I know what I meant by this. I don’t think that’s true. Like I’ve been, I felt much worse than I felt yesterday and I had to record content and I did all the past fucking. I dunno, how long are we doing this now? Seven years. Yup. Right. Definitely seven, eight years definitely have recorded things when I felt much worse than I felt yesterday.

[00:16:03] For sure. I think what I probably meant to say was that I’ve never felt as bad as I did yesterday and then recorded to just talk about how bad I feel. Yeah. And this is also a chose a little bit. In the recording where it’s like, you are, you don’t have a clear path, but you’re kind of like thinking out loud and exploring.

[00:16:28] And sometimes you almost feel like you make two steps in this direction and you know, like, yeah. You know what, that’s actually not. It it’s more like, and you’re trying out different things and then I’m kind of figuring it out instead of already having it figured out. Yeah. Which is really uncomfortable to me.

[00:16:43] Like this is a lot of the content that we’ve recorded so far for. The podcast, some of them have been, well, maybe like two or three that were not sales related that were kind of in the very beginning. But two of three of the last six months of recording had been more like shaped up crystal clear. Most of the things that we record and we’ve recruited a lot more than we’ve published so far.

[00:17:15] Have been sort of like explorations in real time where I overstep in one direction or the other, why I ramble. And then I stumble a book nugget of gold, and then I shovel shit for a while. Again, it’s like, and that’s uncomfortable. Cause at the end of these recordings, I’m not like this is my most shiny.

[00:17:40] You know, perfect work. Let’s publish it and let’s get everybody to admire this perfection. It’s always like there was some good stuff in there. There’s also a bunch of shitty stuff. What the fuck do I do with this now? And also like kind of being concerned about the judgment of others, right? It’s one thing.

[00:18:01] It’s one thing you’d like somebody judges you’ll work. And it’s really like something that you’re like, Oh yeah, I didn’t think about, I didn’t know this. Right. It’s another thing when somebody judges you at work and it’s like, yeah, I actually need, I do this already, but you know, it definitely is another challenge.

[00:18:21] Yeah. I’m, I’m really wondering about this. We should discuss this separately, this idea that as long as we’re recording right now and it’s so, um, raw. And so, you know, exploring and experimenting and trying, I think we just have to get more comfortable with publishing all this stuff and letting the evolution of the podcast and my principal.

[00:18:58] Huh. Is it safe? Ooh, I’m very uncomfortable with this idea. Yeah. I know, especially you because you are, I mean, I am too. It’s sort of like, we always with many relationships, it’s like, whenever I get uncomfortable, you’re comfortable and then we’re switching, but I feel like even more, you’re more protective than I am sometimes of wanting this to be great.

[00:19:23] And so when you see things that are. Not close it, you making concessions, like it’s almost nothing we’ve done is great. Right. And I realized that too, but when it’s like, okay, or good, you’re like, all right, we can push this out of the world. But when it’s like clearly subpar to you, you’re like, no, no. Yeah.

[00:19:43] But you know what I’m thinking now? I mean, this might evolve, but just what I’m thinking now is it would be different if these are sales recordings. Like, if you told me talk about a sales strategy, XYZ, this is a field I have so much experience in talking about. And it’s so tactical and practical that having me meander for 30 minutes around some idea in sales and concluded with nothing that to me as well would be like, no, we’re not going to publish.

[00:20:18] This makes no sense. But what we’re currently doing, like in a work with Steli ft, like all of these recordings, almost all of them are in their work with Steli ft, like me working on something, working out something, trying to understand myself better, exposing what I just think I’ve understood about myself and.

[00:20:43] I understand, or I believe that this is not all useful to a huge audience right now, the way it is, but it is the beginning of this podcast. And if somebody listens to it today and thinks this sucks, and I’m not going to listen to it ever again, that’s fine. That’s totally fine. But as long as it’s authentic, like the three backers in festival, Nikki for all its flaws as an episode, It was an authentic moment.

[00:21:14] It really happened. I thought there’s something there. I try to share this story. And if it it’s not the greatest story, then that’s fine. As long as it came from an honest intention, it was authentic. This other episodes is like being beaten by the day episode that we’re listening to right now is not great either.

[00:21:33] Right? So it’s not like a perfect example that we would want printed out and, uh, You know, framed and rained forever in the halls way, but, but it’s, it is a moment in time. That’s honest. And it is part of the journey of this podcast, right. When I listened to the first. Yeah. So, so I don’t know. I feel like as long as we think this was an honest effort, To explore the inner world to do in our work.

[00:22:12] We should just put the shit out and keep it moving. Especially as it’s not like we’ve, we’ve gotten to some point now it’s so early. So few people listen and maybe the people that listened today, maybe they appreciate that. It’s not perfect. Maybe they appreciate maybe they get something out of it. It was interesting.

[00:22:32] You saw the email that I forwarded to you about the three beggars in Thessaloniki episode. You see that? No. Yeah, you look it up. I forwarded you this email. Okay. There’s an email from, um, somebody that has been listening to my content and learning from me for many, many years. I mean more than five years now.

[00:22:56] And this is the same guy he’s in Asia. He’s like a bootstrap as his own software company. This is the guy that took a picture with his, his child. And it was like, you know, thanks. Steli for helping my dad quit his job and spent more time with me. Right because he was like, your sales advice helped me close some big deals.

[00:23:14] And now I’m spending more time with my family. Amazing. I hadn’t heard from the sky in at least three years, I kind of had forgotten about him. And then he sends me an email about the three beggars into Sonic episode. He’s like, Hey man, hadn’t listened to your stuff in a long time. First time I listened to your personal podcast, not what I expected.

[00:23:36] Wow. But this will. You know, this touched me and this will let me be more contemplated and more mindful of the next days of how I interact with people.

[00:23:51] And it’s sort of like, I’m not saying this to say, see, like, people love this episode. I’m sure there’s also somebody that started listening to that episode and just like I do it with other people’s podcasts, stopped it and was like, I can’t listen to this shit. This isn’t useful, or this isn’t good. But hiding the work from the world because we’re afraid that like it’s not perfect enough.

[00:24:17] Like I think for the podcast, that’s a bad strategy. Like it’s the beginning of the pockets. There’s billions of humans. And if we burn through. 10,000 humans that listened to an episode, didn’t think they are great. If that’s nothing as long as we keep doing honest, good work, and we keep evolving, the podcast will grow and we eventually will find our groove.

[00:24:42] And then we’ll eventually start building a bigger, bigger, bigger audience. And then it will be meaningless how the first 50 episodes were like there’s too much fear, not enough playfulness with it. Too much perfectionism. Now it’s different for the album, right? Maybe we’ve we do something like an album, a book, one a craft around it.

[00:25:04] Um, but I dunno right now, and I’ve switched back and forth on this before, you know it, but right now I’m like these episodes that are honest, authentic captures of my inner work. Even if they’re not perfected storytelling, audio recordings, let’s just put it out there in the world and move on. Yeah, that’s actually closer to the original idea.

[00:25:30] We started with him back in Germany. Uh, yeah, we set out to do item and let’s have fun and let’s be raw and let’s fail. Let’s make mistakes. Like licks let’s look dumb in the process. Let’s not, it goes, it’s the same thing with like, we don’t know yet what this is going to turn. Out to be. And I think if we try to be perfect, we will never allow it to become what it’s meant to be.

[00:26:02] We’re we’re making this too artificial. We’re suppressing too much. Like maybe an episode, maybe the worst episode we will ever put out there. The one that we’re the most, um, embarrassed by. Through that embarrassment, maybe somebody will tweet a joke about how dumb I am and that joke will spark an idea.

[00:26:22] And that idea six months later is what turned the podcast in a specific direction. I’m not saying let’s publish, like I’m saying, we can always have the power to say this will will not publish, but right now I think that the measure for that should not be. Is this the best piece of storytelling that we can do?

[00:26:48] Was this, is there enough wisdom or is there a unique idea? Is that practical enough advice? It’s just, just be, was this authentic in the moment? Is this an authentic moment of me trying to share something I’m tackling right now? Is this really inner work? And if it’s not, let’s not publish it, but if it is let’s publish it and let’s move on.

[00:27:14] It’s a podcast like who gives a fuck, let’s just keep going. But let’s putting the work out there. It’s also like the more we put the work out there, the more people can respond to things. Um, and who knows the, the. The listener that listened to the, you know, the three biggest Synthes on Nikki episode that hadn’t listened to my stuff in ages.

[00:27:45] Maybe we hadn’t published that episode. He wouldn’t have, he wouldn’t have seen it in his feet and wouldn’t have realized, wait a second. Steli FD has a pockets where it talks about like real human shit, wisdom, struggles, emotions, and all that shit. Fuck. Let me listen to that for a while. Yeah. So let’s just like, I think I don’t recording with Heaton recently for the startup chat.

[00:28:11] We’re going to put that out there, which was based on a tweet that he did that was, um, show your work. It was like a tweet that he tweeted, right. Pro tip show your work. And I wrote that down and in my interpretation it was show your work before you’re ready.

[00:28:32] Before you’re ready. Right. While you’re working, not when it’s finished and polished. And that’s something that for the podcast, not for every format, but for the podcast, I think should be our creative show. Let’s show our work. This is our work. Like we’re fucking around with this. We’re trying, let’s put it up and show people our work while we’re doing it.

[00:28:58] Yeah. And this is, I got, like, I got like. 1400 argument when it’s in my head, popping up all the reasons as well, we shouldn’t do this right. And what we should consider, but I also know where it’s coming from. So I’m not even bringing it one of them up on. Yeah, let’s do it one more. Are you good? Let’s just show off fucking work.

[00:29:18] Let’s not, let’s not be little bitches about this. Like

[00:29:25] best work. It’s not great. You know, like again, if like when I listened to like early on the podcast, I remember publishing some stuff that was sales related because at the time I remember we, we surveyed a bunch of listeners to what they want to hear that like both sales content. So I did a bunch of more sales content to me.

[00:29:55] In hindsight, and I still would want to keep it up. Like it was just part of the journey, but in hindsight, I’m like this, I wouldn’t want to publish today, but today, as long as it’s either work, as long as it’s authentically us trying to create and craft stories and share the journey, the inner journey I’m taking in a way that hopefully eventually will be useful to others.

[00:30:23] Let’s put it out there. Let’s just put all our work out there. Uh, and the thing about the beauty, um, this is not the thing we always say today. We just talked about this idea of dehumanizing your heroes and always just showing the perfect world and not being raw, not be authentic. This recording of being beaten by the day is an attempt to show that even Steli after the quote, unquote, whatever, that means that motivational always go get a guy.

[00:30:52] Has shitty days and doesn’t feel that good is rambling on a recording. Us sharing these imperfect episodes is sharing the journey with the world, how it started and how it went and all the detours we’re taking and eventually where we’ll end up. If it ever ends up at a place where people want to come back to, to see where it started, it’s going to be a beautiful thing to show how terrible it started or how many detours it took.

[00:31:26] Like that’s going to be truly encouraging to the world versus waiting till we quote unquote, perfected the formula and know exactly everything. And then all they get is this new podcast from Steli. That’s perfect. Yeah. And amazing and inspiring. This is a comes all from insecurity is the insecurity to show the world the truth right now, this is the best we can do.

[00:31:48] Otherwise we would do something better right now. This is what we’re thinking about right now. This is what we’re playing with. Let’s just share it with the world. And if everybody hates it, whatever we’ll explore and evolve until we have something that I’m convinced people will like. And then eventually, if they want to figure out how do we start, they’re going to be encouraged with this year start.

[00:32:13] They’re going to be like, shit. This is how they started. Okay. I could do this too. I see your excitement. I applaud and honor your inner restraint right now.

[00:32:29] Yup. Yup. Alright, let’s uh, we’ve got a couple more minutes. It’s finished this recording and see what other thoughts will pop up terrible for people to listen to. It might be great. At least I’m trying, I’m swinging it. I’m giving it a try and wondering what can I do? And like, well, maybe I can share with the world, the inner work I’m doing after a shitty day.

[00:32:51] This is what it looks like to be. I just recorded a story for my two sons. I’m not there. And every night they give me two words, come up with a new story, a new bedtime story for them. They sent me the two words today was eating burgers and. And coding secret detective code as you go that’s for easy tasks.

[00:33:15] So I recorded a story for them, although I felt like shit and I wasn’t creative and I didn’t know what to do. The story was kind of good. I think the story is pretty all right. I am about to leave and go have dinner with my two older brothers. No again. I, you know, usually, usually I want to feel great when I meet with them.

[00:33:35] I want to have stories to tell, I want to be in buyers. I want to be engaged. I want to be encouraging. I want to go there having one of the ring of the day, having been victorious stories, having excelled, productive, successful, having felt like I’ve conquered. And accomplished. And then with that mood, with that attitude, with that smell of success, I like to engage with the world.

[00:34:06] This is so true is one of the biggest flaws that are, that I’ve lived in the last 10 years is the notion that when I’m in a bad place, when I have had a bad day, when I feel bad, I want to retreat. I want to hide that from the world. And so I’m not engaging with the world. You know how many times I didn’t talk to you because I was just in a bad mood.

[00:34:40] And so I was like, Hey, let’s reschedule. Hey, let’s move. I’ll call to tomorrow. And I remember yesterday before going for dinner for a split second, I thought about canceling dinner. Cause I was like, why couldn’t it have been yesterday? Yesterday? I was. So dope. I was rocking and rolling so much. If I’d gone to dinner with them, I would have blown their mind.

[00:35:01] I would’ve told them stories that would have inspired and encouraged them. It’s there. I feel like a little bitch. If they asked me, how was your day and how do you feel? What am I going to say? I feel like shit. And, uh, that’s always been kind of a, a weakness of mine is wanting. To hide my weaknesses and my imperfections from the world.

[00:35:24] And yesterday that the clicking moment was the, I made it a bigger thing of the recording that was kind of in the flow was thinking about, Hey, maybe I’m going to make the dinner about them. Ends up. Nice, beautiful thought. But the thing that really created release for me yesterday was when I went and I thought to myself, just go ahead, have dinner.

[00:35:45] You don’t have to be any weight. If you are depressed or if you don’t feel that great, or you’re not that, you know, inspiring, that’s also you and they love you too, and you love them and you don’t have to always say pass them that you’re fucking brothers to shut the fuck up and go have dinner with them.

[00:36:02] And this seems like such an obvious thing. Why can’t you be with your family without impressing them? But it’s a difficult challenge for me. It doesn’t matter if it’s my mother, it’s my children. We talked about this before. Like I’m recording a story every single night with my kids. Um, they give me two new words and I, and I record a story for them.

[00:36:22] But that night, that night story, and the first year of doing this. Especially as I was traveling when I’m with them, it’s sort of easy to brainstorm with them because I have a live audience. But when I started traveling and recording the stories and sending it to them, and it’s like, it’s 2:00 PM. I’m in between two meetings and I have to recreate the story because with time zones, it’s 8:00 PM for my kids.

[00:36:48] So they have to, you get the story right now. I suffered so much. Because I had so much pressure. I’m like, Oh my God, I have to record an amazing story. Eventually I realized, wait a second, dude, you are a human being. You can also record a story. That’s not amazing. It’s not going to be the end of the world.

[00:37:09] And just allowing myself funny enough, anytime I’m a really bad mood, but then I’m just like, just go with it more often than not. I actually created a story. That’s surprisingly good. But allowing myself to once in a while also record and share a story that I think is not that great. It’s made a huge difference.

[00:37:28] There’s been some stories that I thought, Oh my God, this story suck. And then they tell me they loved it. It was an amazing story for them. So just taking that pressure off of my shoulders, that I have, every it’s crazy. There’s not a single year human being, no matter how close they are to me, that I don’t want to always impress.

[00:37:49] And that’s how I got an impressive is because I’ve met expectation of myself and that’s great, but that also comes with the burden that I cannot be impressive every day. Can’t be impressive on every recording. I just can’t and allow myself to engage with the world and with people I love and to publish things, even when they’re not impressive.

[00:38:11] Is important for me to be more creative, to be more alive and to not have these situations where spiral into a darker and darker hole, because I retreat more and more and more from the world and from life. Anyways, that was such a tiny moment yesterday when I thought, okay, I don’t want to meet with my brothers for dinner.

[00:38:32] And then I was like, just shut up and just let it go. Just go. Just be a normal human, just go and have dinner. You don’t have to be in a good mood. You don’t have to have great stories. You don’t have to exude confidence and success. When you meet with your brothers, just meet with them. Always. Let’s finish this up last two minutes.

[00:38:52] Because I’m pretty good, pretty good and big ego. And when I have days like today where I got my ass handed to me, where the day beat me up and I didn’t know, you know, what was happening to me and come off the ring and I’m still kind of like wobbled and weirded out of my face is all bruised up. I want to hide just like most of us probably, but I, yeah, especially on a hide.

[00:39:20] I don’t want anybody to see that side of me, the defeated one, the feeling one, the weak one,

[00:39:29] instead of canceling dinner and coming up with some kind of a BS excuse, I’m going to go to dinner. And today my approach is going to be to focus on them, not be the charismatic young brother that tells them all these fantastic stories. It might happen. I can’t ever do for anything, but today, maybe a. I just listen more.

[00:39:50] Maybe I make them the star of the evening, the star of the dinner. And maybe I show them that I’m had a kind of shitty day. And then I’m not saying the format maybe that is useful and valuable once in a while for them to see as well. And then I’m recording this. If you’ll listen to it. I don’t know. I don’t know if this is useful or harmful, but it is an attempt to be transparent and honest and to share that no matter who you are, you’re having that base, but how you deal with those defeats with those bad days, that matters much more than having them and not having them.

[00:40:29] We all have them. Everybody has them. Elon Musk has them. Goggins has them. David Goggins has them. They wears a little bitch and he’s not the baddest man on the planet. I guarantee you, he has them. If it’s not a whole day, it’s, it’s an hour. If it’s not a whole hour, it is a minute. But he has these moments, just like all of us, none of us is above that, but it’s not having it or not.

[00:40:55] It’s how you deal with it. And not everyday. Gimme great. Not every hour can be great. And when you have great days, you want to celebrate when you have bad days, you want to move on. If you want to learn from it, if you can, but even more importantly, you want to just,

[00:41:17] you said it was great today. Not so much. It really doesn’t matter. The life doesn’t unfold in a straight line. And so the best we can do the best I can do right now. So I’m going to get over it and I’m going to go on with it. And I don’t know if tomorrow is going to be a better day, but I guarantee you that I’m not going to allow this defeat to bring me down.

[00:41:43] And I’m going to find a way to relax into the evening and to enjoy dinner with my brothers. I’m going to what the deal is. All right. I’ll tell you what. This ending is good. I have to use all the restraint. In my spirit not to criticize it or not to quote unquote, expose certain flaws in these the last minute or so of this recording.

[00:42:17] Like, what I want to do now is I want to shit on it with you. Part of me is because I am critical of it. Part of it is because I want to protect myself, protect myself from. Your judgment or if we publish this, which I think we should, anybody listens to too, as they were listening to this thing, and this is kind of he’s whatever they would think.

[00:42:43] I’m not going to say it. I kind of want to be ahead of the critic and go, I know it too. I know this is, and that can analyze exactly why it isn’t good, but the reason why I don’t want to do this is because. There was also a lot of value in it. And I was just thinking about somebody that would listen to this together with us and would have a moment of inspiration during these last seconds of the recording on a hot moment or a moment of relief or encouragement and think, wow.

[00:43:16] Yeah. What Steli just said really resonated with me and then think about that person, how they would feel if I start shitting on it. And being overly critical about it and decomposing it and analyzing it and deconstructing it and telling you all the behind the scenes ugliness that maybe I would just ruin that moment for you, that person, the person that thought the last minute was shit by me, shitting on top of it.

[00:43:40] There’s nothing they gained from that. I just protect my own ego because they think, Oh, Sally, he also knows that I didn’t like this, but the people that loved it, the people that learned from it, I would ruin it for them. And it’s not that terrible. This is difficult for me to say, it’s not, it’s actually pretty good.

[00:43:58] What I’m saying is true and it’s useful for people to hear. And so that’s maybe the another, their site lesson for me to learn here is even, even the things that I think aren’t that great. Are going to be useful to people inspiring at times in unexpected ways. As long as my intention is good, I don’t have to be so critical.

[00:44:27] I can be critical with you behind the scenes trying to learn from it. But. Publicly being always so hypercritical to protect myself to display humility, but also self-awareness, it’s much more about my ego than it is about helping others and encouraging others. And it’s, it was funny as I was listening to the last minute, I so wanted to be critical.

[00:44:51] And then I thought, no, stop, shut the fuck up. This is actually a pretty good stuff, which you’re saying is good. It’s useful. So. That’s it, those are all the lessons learned and thoughts shared listening to my own fucking podcast, which is insane by the way, like having commentary on other people’s content.

[00:45:14] I think we’re used to that that exists in the world. That’s useful. That’s entertaining. That’s interesting if it’s done well, but having somebody listened to themself and then analyze. I don’t know if this is too much, Sally, for one recording for a human to bear, but it’s an interesting experiment. I like it.

[00:45:36] Let’s see. Let’s see. I love it. It’s fun. It was, it was fun. Right? It was kind of interesting to do that. It’s also going to be the most uncomfortable episode on this podcast so far. How are we going to get more uncomfortable? But hopefully the, the, the, I hope. One of the things that’s interesting at least is to see how I think about myself while I listened to myself, how I think about my own podcast, the recording, our little site thing of like, should we publish everything?

[00:46:10] And then just the good things, right? That little struggle we have, which is not a struggle we have resolved now. Right? It’s a struggle that we had from day one. And I assume we will continue to have forever. There’s moments where we’re emboldened and there’s moments where we’re a little in cowards and we’re like, ah, let’s not do this.

[00:46:30] Let’s not share this. That’s a struggle. And up and down that we’ve had for a while now. And just even sharing that with the world, hopefully it’s useful for somebody.

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