I’ve yet again learned about another part of myself: It’s the part that I call The Endurer, and it’s one of the parts that my core Self hasn’t fully integrated, or even acknowledged enough. I like to highlights other parts of myself that seem more impressive and heroic. But much of inner work is seeing all of yourself, and often what you find is humbling.
Transcript:
[00:00:00] I never told you about The resolution of the whole, teeth hurting. Getting to know a different part, afterwards. I had the, kind of the teeth pain at the front of the teeth the next day. All day long. And then I, I think I told you that. After I’d figured it out. The teeth pain, subsided, and I’d never had that experience before where.
We’re ahead an issue with some tooth and the issues just went away. Instead of just escalating until I had to go to the dentist. When I never told you what we never had a chance to chat about was.
what happened? Like. Like what the resolution was or the recognition. And. That was. Meeting a new part. Of me. Which I w I shall call the endurer.
It’s kind of the part of me that endures. Things. That. I’m not comfortable or I feel warm or whatever, when I’m kind of like sternly, enduring pain of some sort. And, I had spent like a whole day in that, with that pain. Was trying to like balance out. All the fear that I usually have and kind of [00:01:00] panic of like, I’m going to have to find a dentist. It’s going to have to be in Germany before I go to Greece, because if I go to Greece, a tooth problem that really is going to suck and yada, yada, and I had like all these anxieties.
That I had to calm down on the first day of the tooth pain. And just trust that. There’s too much of a coincidence that I started having this intense. Jaw discomfort after talking to Charlie and telling her that that jar thing has gone. And I’ve mastered it by figuring this out.
But then I thought. Isn’t it weird that it’s not just the jaw tension, but it’s kind of a pain. Is that the. You know, whatever the karmic. You know, now you really gonna get fucked since you’re pretending everything is good already. Or what is it? And then at some point during that day of, of tooth pain, I sat down and I started writing.
And what crystallized itself. There was that there was a.
That was a pain. I felt a part of me felt in pain and that was kind of the. Part of me that endures.
[00:02:00] And I remember I told Charlie, not just that I had. Figured out the whole jaw tension. It was my inner critic and get to get you out and all that. But eventually when it came to body, she asked, do you have a body pain? Is there some discomfort, something. One thing that came up, that I shared with her was, you know what, Charlie.
When you structure this yoga session with me, one thing that I always do is I always adore and it’s a very physical thing for me is to just adore every discomfort. And that’s been an issue I want to get better at not having to just purely suffer through and endure things. So. There was this part of me that felt.
Intensely hurt by now. Me again going well, this thing that I used all my life to get through all kinds of shit. Can we just get rid of that? I don’t need that anymore. I’m not like above this. And.
I had my ups and downs. Like anytime I. The pattern that I’ve recognized. Now, [00:03:00] or that I see now is that what have I truly meet as part of me, even if it’s a thing that I’ve known about me, like certain emotions, I have a certain tendencies when I meet it as an internal part, like a humanized part.
Depending on what it is. There’s always, it takes time. To fully see it. And to start a real relationship with it, because most of these things, I have not had real relationships with. And so. It can take a while before I really hear it clearly understand it fully. and when there’s enough trust. On both sides to really have like dialogues right. And being connected. So a few small episodes since then, but I’m in Greece now. Tufin has been gone for, I don’t know, one and a half weeks. So I haven’t really thought about it too much.
Last night at 4:00 AM. I woke up and my front, [00:04:00] my front bottom teeth was hurting a lot. And in my delirious sleep, there was a okay. I might have to go to, like, this might be it. I might have to go to the dentist tomorrow. You know, in a place in Greece where we usually try to avoid going to a dentist. And then I thought. Huh. Why is my inner endure in pain again? Like what is it? What is the pain that it manifests itself so strongly?
And I, and I just, by physical sensation, I could tell that. I probably have been grinding my front teeth. In the night.
And so I made a mental note and a promise and I thought tomorrow morning, We shell park. I need to visit you. In full presence and pay attention so I can hear and understand what is going on. Right. And just a couple of minutes ago. I finally sit [00:05:00] down and I started writing. And that’s also an interesting process where it takes.
Sometimes it takes a few sentences. Before the writing takes over on its own. And the true clarity starts presenting, like things start popping up again that are not. Consciously thoughts thought.
Consciously created thoughts, but it’s more. Insights and thoughts and emotions that bubble up from a different place. And it’s just a. A flow that as I read it, I hear it and see it and understand it for the first time. And this session was, was super-intense just a few moments ago because.
V. Basically the Endura told me.
That.
I, and this is true.
I try to be above it. And. Although. I use [00:06:00] this part. I used it all day long yesterday. Many many situations during the day. I was not comfortable. I was not fully a piece with a situation, a dynamic. I was tense. I was tired. I eat whatever it was. I try to use all these other parts in my imagination was going well, I’m going to be breathing deeply, accepting, relaxing, all these quote, unquote, better parts of me, right? Holier parts. Oh, you know,
The patient’s Steli the Y’s Steli. The logical Steli VXX thing and open Steli the giving and loving Steli. But underneath it, The Endura was carrying us all up a fucking mountain. And when we reached the top. I turned around and started praising all my good parts for look how far we’ve come. We now can get through a day like this in [00:07:00] perfect clarity and peace. And we use none of them.
And. And dura was like, Well, fuck. All of you assholes, like especially use to Ellie for using me. I’m good enough because without me, you wouldn’t get through a fucking bear in your life. But now that you know, all these other things. You know, I’m just your donkey and you turn around and you giving speeches about unicorns and fucking horses. But who got you all on top of this mountain? Those unicorns and horses were on my back. I carried them up here. None of them. You didn’t fucking flow up the fucking mountain on these things.
And I thought. Yeah, fuck. Right. Okay. There’s um,
So real humbling. That is happening. Where I go, I always, and [00:08:00] I want to be holier than I am. Wiser than I truly am.
Track 1: that. It was your message about how humbling it is to see yourself in your full humanity. Yeah.
Track 2: No.
that was maybe the pre message. That, that was a little moment where I was in the pool with my children.
And I was playing with them. And then I noticed, so I was alone with the, with the kids. And their mom and my mother and their other grandparents, they all hadn’t come to the pool yet. So it was kind of the first adult in the pool with them and it was playing. And at the beginning, I was just having fun with them being the dad and joining it. And then I noticed a pattern.
I constantly was looking at the area with, they would appear if they show up at the pool. And I was. In my mind, wanting to make sure that they’re going to see me in the pool, playing with the children.
That’s why I wasn’t leaving the pool because I actually [00:09:00] wanted To get out of the pool. I was like, this was fun for 20 minutes. I wanted to go out of the pool and chill a little bit, but I wasn’t allowing myself to do that because I wanted the image of the amazing father in the pool playing. I didn’t want them to show up and see the father leisurely fucking.
On the chair doing nothing.
Track 1: Okay.
Track 2: when I recognize that. I thought how humbling it is. To be a mere mortal. To be. A little. Crawling human with all his little human. You know, uh, Selfish pettiness. Here, pretending to play with this children while. 10 15 minutes ago, he stopped to being in the pool and is only looking to endure this until the adults have seed. What an amazing father.
Then I could get the fuck out of the pool because I want to relax a little bit. And I’ve had enough of the pool. That was the moment where I [00:10:00] wrote to you. You know, when you see yourself in your full humanity, it is a truly humbling exercise. Um,
Track 1: There’s a
Track 2: But the humbling never stops. Huh.
Track 1: never stops.
Track 2: The non-believer never stocks. As long as the inner work continues. Humbling never stops. And so, um, Yeah, this was, uh, uh, uh, A humbling moment I had today again. Where I thought. Yes, I have.
I do feel a tiny bit wiser, a tiny bit more relaxed, a tiny bit more open, a tiny bit more creative. But I still need the Endura to get through lots of things. In my day and the other thing. After my yoga session today. I had to, this is the first time I did yoga. For an hour. And I had to immediately yoga and meditation and I had to immediately enter the real world.
Usually I do [00:11:00] yoga. And then for an hour afterwards, half an hour to an hour, I want to go on a walk and sit in silence. I’m kind of like.
Yeah, different state of mind. But today the moment I got out of yoga, I was already. 10 minutes late. To meet up for breakfast with the entire family at the buffet at the hotel. Right. As I was entering the hotel, that was this. Juxtaposition between I am so still in common side, I’m sort of floating and a little bit of an altered state.
And there’s such. Morning, busy-ness all around me. All these humans, food, children, crying, all that. And as I picked up, a plate and some things I saw. Um, a lady, that’s the manager of one of the restaurants you have the buffet. And she was reprimanding one of the waiters and was telling him everything she does for them and blah, blah, blah. You guys need to do more. This more, that one interesting thing about this hotel resort is, I don’t know if this is a [00:12:00] common thing because of COVID, but.
They’re way understaffed. Way understaffed. They have four restaurants here. And we had two waiters in a restaurant and those two widows worked at three different restaurants.
They were going to three restaurants, too. To do their work. So everything was slower and the waiters were sweating bullets and were stressed. Same thing with everybody here. Right? It’s just like this. I feel it’s a massive resort. It’s thousands of people here. And I feel like there are six people working here because I see them everywhere, everywhere.
So as this lady was reprimanding, the managers, like I do all this for you guys or this way to you guys have to help. Baba by and was telling them all these things. It was this. Inside of this thought or this feeling, the bubbled up in me. That was wow. Humanity’s capacity to endure is almost limitless.
It’s easy. Incredible our capacity because I was forced moment [00:13:00] imagining or projecting. My enduring onto her. And it felt like, I felt like, wow, if I had the amount of stress that I perceive in this woman right now, and had to deal with so much stress restaurants, trusses all day long, running around being stressed.
Like. Right now with the sensitivity that I feel with feeling a bit more present and connected, I would just collapse. I’d be like, I can’t, this is a level of stress negativity I can’t handle, but I’m like, but look, we can handle anything and everything. We can endure so much. And she doesn’t probably doesn’t even know. Right. Or.
At least maybe I connect it back. Remembering times were endured so much and they’re just. Went cold in so many places and just, just went on with life. Just didn’t even. Didn’t even fully realize it in the moment, like how much I’m actually carrying on my back. So this.
This.
Endura part is doing still so much work. In me through me and with me and [00:14:00] for me, But I am already kind of head in the cloud. imagining overlaying. That was a part of what I wrote where, or part of the dura was writing. I am carrying all these burdens, but when the work is done, you. The mask and cloth, clothing of others are put on top and they are praised, like I’m wearing these masks of these other parts carrying this thing. And we’re like, wow. The why is Steli wow. The patients though,
But underneath it, it’s me who sweating and suffering for all this. And I get zero recognition.
Nobody credits me. And now that you’ve, I mean, only in the last year, did I even realize that I’m always using.
Uh, capacity to endure that I use this so much. And now that, you know, You want to, you want to be above it and get away from me. Go, I don’t want to endure this much anymore. I want to be better than just enduring.
[00:15:00] And it’s sort of the final straw that is breaking the camel’s back and it’s like, this hurts.
this hurts.
Um, And I was like, uh, okay. Yeah. Thank you. Uh,
How, uh, um, a friend of us oftentimes says
this is, this is news. I have to like. I have to like, be able to.
Fucking deal with. I need some time to deal with this. You truth. To digest this. Yeah.
Track 1: Yeah.
Track 2: And it’s also the, the reason I like one of the, I think. Many reasons why I want Y Y. I endure. Why. Use my enduring parts so much. It’s because of what it’s, because I don’t want to show the world. My angry [00:16:00] side, my impatient side. Might egotistical site. My. Weak side. My tire tire. That’s another thing like I.
Whenever I think of the past, somebody would go, oh, Stella is a little tired. It was something about me that was irritated. Although it was true. Because to me, tired is weak again. Right. So I was like, I’m not tired. I just don’t like this and this and blah, blah, blah, or, or I would say, well, let me see you with two children with a huge business, with this, with this, with this travel schedule. And then show me how you would nap. Like.
Motherfucker. You’re just tired. Right? But I did. All these things might tire itself. My angry self, my petty self, my needy self. I want to hide. So I have to. Grind my teeth. And pretend on the outside, through stiffness intention. Everything is fine. I have everything under control. I’m calm. I’m cool.
I don’t feel bad inside. I’m not [00:17:00] holding something back. Although I do a tremendous amount.
Right. Um,
Track 1: you wonder where’s all this tension coming from.
Track 2: Yeah. Why I’m sick.
Yeah. Yes I am. And we are. I remember your months ago, I’d be like, I’m sitting here in Austin. At the balcony, I’m reading a book. I’m sunbathing. I’m taking it so easy. Why I’m, why am I so tense? Why can I let it go? Um, Yeah. The letting go part, there’s a beautiful thing that happened. We’ll talk about it another time.
With, um, When I first talked to Charlie about how to structure my kind of yoga and meditation hour.
At some point, I said something about the belt, my belly. Um, you know, I like these folds, I think after my first [00:18:00] session with her, I said, you know, I really enjoyed these folds over the belly and this, that, and the other. And she said, She said, oh yeah, the belly. That’s what we hold all our shit. And then she continued saying other things.
And the entire day that was coming back to me, I’m like, this is where I’m holding all my shit. And then that all the dominoes fell one after the other. And I was like, yeah, that is true. I’m always, I am not letting go of my shit. I’m not. Showing my shit either. I don’t want to show it to anybody. I don’t want to let go of it. Some holding it in.
And there’s a whole thing that I’m noticing as I’m doing yoga. And that started with a siliciden trip in whole Holland. Where. I have. An issue fully breathing all air out of my system. Right. I am. I always want to stop at 50% and then start breathing in again. But the complete out-breath.
Takes it [00:19:00] takes real. Focus because my, my belly stops there and tenses up and goes, this is it. Now it’s time to breathe in again. And when I want to breathe fully out after I push my belly inside really, and really focus on it.
And because I never breathe in fully breathe out fully. I can’t breathe. Breathe in fully as well. My. You know, the cup is always. Half full with exhaust, with tension, with whatever. And then I go, I want to fill my cup with life, but I can’t always can only take into this much. Why.
It’s because I didn’t empty it out first.
Track 1: Yeah. This is special. Special spot at the breath out when you’ve like fully exhaled also. Right.
Track 2: What do you mean?
Track 1: Uh, if you. If you like exhale. Completely.
And then you don’t even immediately inhale. Right? This is like a little. Zone of quietness of presence.
Track 2: Yes. Yes, this is. There’s a little moment of [00:20:00] full quietness.
And stillness. You know, um,
When I was speaking at the mushroom trip. At the retreat.
Track 1: Yeah.
Track 2: At some point I had a. Experience of feeling the mushroom energies talking to me or communicating is the better word they didn’t speak, but they were commuting. I felt their presence and they were communicating to me. And I remember the message was Steli. You don’t have to breathe in. You know, You still have, you have so much oxygen in your system, but did you know even your skin, breeze, everything breeze, you don’t have to breathe. You could just.
Let go of breathing for a little bit. And as I was not breathing in. I remember feeling incredible bliss. It felt so good. And so true. But then there was a voice in my head that went. I get what you’re telling me. And I’m sure even if I die. You know, and everything is [00:21:00] perfect. But I kind of want to live, so I’m going to breathe in now.
And. I remember that the energy. Of the mushrooms, right? The mushroom.
You know, Entities. We’re like.
Yeah, we get that. But really just try it. You don’t have to breathe. And then I went, I, you know, I went, I thought I was not breathing for a real long time and it felt really good. And then I went again. Yeah, but no. And then the. My experience. Was almost like the mushrooms went okay. And then it just went away.
It was sort of the most gentle teaching I’ve ever experienced where they were offering something. And I went, no, I don’t want to try this. And they, they shoulder shrug with a smile. Okay. Maybe a different time and they just left. There was no judgment. There was no. Okay. And when I first. [00:22:00] Got out of the trip. I was like, what the fuck was this all about? Like, I.
I was like, this is the weirdest thing. I can’t even tell this story to anybody and make sense of it.
Track 1: What is the, uh, muster?
Track 2: Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
That, that was very much the energy, like a smiling, Santee, and being that is so wise, that was just like seeing this and gently. And I was like, ah, no. And it was just like, ah, You know, everything is perfect either way. You know, there’s like not a care in the world. To convince me or to fight with me.
It was even more. It was, so there was such a gentleness in the, all right, then we’ll, you know, we’ll leave. That. Has almost never experienced gentleness in the rejection. You know, Um, and so I sense a great wisdom. But I also woke up and thought, I have no idea what this is about. I’ll have to meditate on [00:23:00] this for a long time to try to puzzle this together.
And then, you know, as a Come Donald the trip. I had this tremendous amount of energy that.
Bubbled up and anger and rage, but it was an empowering rage. And it took me a couple of days until I did connect a little bit of the dots of like, oh yeah. I’m I haven’t emptied out the anger. I felt for myself, the rage for some of the decisions, the way I live my life. And, but I want to fill my heart with love and joy and like, I can’t, I can’t do the one without doing the other, because my, my intention for that trip, the thing I had written down was.
Fill my heart with magic wonder and joy. Right? And then I was like, that was no magic. Wonder joy at all in
this trip. It was pure rage and anger, but it was a BW. It felt sad. It was a satisfying rage and anger. And in empowering region, anger. Like this is. This is interesting. And then later I thought, well, yeah, if I had all [00:24:00] this in my body and it just needed to go for magic and wanted to start entering it again.
Um, But at now, even in the yoga practice, I noticed how much. I have. How much I hold on. And how difficult it is for me to fully release all oxygen, to fully exhaust everything and trust. That I don’t need to hold back a little bit for bad times, you know? Or if I breathe out too much, That it’s going to be.
Giving up too much, right? You have to fully give everything you will have completely, and then you can fully take everything that universal life has to give you. And then you give it all back again. Now, holding back, if you want to experience everything, life has to offer to you. But it’s that little fear, that little hesitation, that little, like, let me save this the Swabian right. Let’s put it in a bank account.
Um, That is making it difficult to then [00:25:00] get all that life has to offer. And I even noticed. When you do these poses and then it’s for in breaths. So we’re kind of counting to four breathing in, but then counting to eight, breathing out. At first, because I could not breathe out to eight. I was slowing down my breathing out.
So again, I could breathe out to a count of eight while still maintaining 40% of oxygen in my lungs before I breathe in again.
Instead of doing it evenly, because if you do it evenly, you have to push and push and push and push to get to eight. Of fully exhaling. So all these little.
And I instantly think.
Again, what I’ve been metaphors for life, right where I go, oh, I have to breathe out more fully. So I breathe out slower. So I don’t have to breathe out more fully, but I
Track 1: Yeah.
Track 2: I am
Track 1: Pre calculations and.
Yeah.
Track 2: These little adjustments, so you don’t have to change [00:26:00] or you think you’re doing the thing, but you’re adjusting to not do the thing.
Do you have a thing? That I have these days. Which is a beautiful little struggle.
Is that. There’s so many stories.
That I experience every day. Little dynamics, little insights, little beautiful little moments.
And then I know I have to constantly calm my storyteller down. Because I know. I won’t be able to tell all of this to remain right. We don’t have three and a half hours. And every day way, don’t tell some of these stories, the anxieties mounting up is bubbling up and it’s like, We’re losing all these amazing stories where he needs to hear this. We need to record all this and I go.
Life. Is a never ending source of brilliant stories. The ones that aren’t meant to be told will be told, and the ones that meant to be forgotten and reappear or fully forgotten [00:27:00] will. Just relax. You know, but I can feel that my anxiety now, when we talk, when we record is more about like, even a moment before we started recording.
That was an inner voice that was saying, all right. Let’s. Let’s lay down the seven stories, which one is the most impressive one? Which one should we tell today? And then I had to tell myself, let it go get on the call with Rameen. And we’ll just flow and whatever story we’ll tell, we’ll tell them if it’s the least impressive for fun. Because part of me didn’t really want to talk about the Enduro, because I was like, as a recording again about parts and the day.
This is not going to be, I have nicer stories to record. that that will would be.
Nicer thing to listen to. I believe for somebody else.
But this is the, this is the more meaningful story for me to tell now, because I just went through the experience. So, so be it.